I haven’t posted a thing since October.  Probably because I got so damn depressed when a second surgery was required in early November.  Since then I’ve been slowly recovering and trying to put my life back together.

This weekend is when it all finally happens.  I’m moving back into my own place, going back to work full time effective Monday, and gaining some semblance of sanity once again.

I hope that I’ll be blogging more often once I’m settled in, but if you’ve been around this long, you know that I tend to get easily distrac…

Ooooohhhh SHINY!!

In a post on Facebook earlier today, I noted that I have a hard time with a mindset that harbors unresolved anger.  Which, for me, is very odd, because in the past, I’ve had no problem harboring secret dreams of revenge or feelings of ill will towards others.  I’ve struggled with it on and off all of my life.  Something about having a very close brush with death changed that, though.  I simply can’t find it within myself to be angry for very long.  Even when someone deserves said anger.

This thinking led to a very simple concept in my mind.  I simply don’t give a damn.  There’s nothing that important that I have to hold on to it and let it poison my own mind or heart.  I’ve attempted to move through the world with an open heart, but sometimes I would get bogged down with the details.  I can’t seem to do that these days, the details are just… meh.  The negative details, that is.

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I’ve gotten a couple of emails lately asking me where I’ve been and how I’m doing.  If you sent me one, I’m replying, I promise.  I’m just really slow and lazy these days.  I blame Prince Vicodin.

A quick update… I’m still not able to walk.  My leg simply can’t hold the weight up yet.  I return to the doctor on the 23rd and hopefully he’ll clear me to start using weights so I can get the muscles back into shape.  I’m still pretty swollen at the top of my thigh, but closer to the knee and calf is now uber skinny.  I would not have minded losing a few pounds, but several pounds of much needed muscle is totes not cool.

I have been able to get out on occasion, but leaving the house requires massive planning and coordination.  There’s the one crutch/two crutch game to get down the stairs - one going down the steps inside and getting to the door, two on the landing, one going down the outside steps, and two once I hit the sidewalk.  Then there’s the wheelchair game - can it fit into the car?  Is the person taking me strong enough to lift it up and get it back out?  Did the leg things get knocked out of alignment again?  And, inevitably, there’s the “oh hell, I forgot my painkillers” moment as I realize I’ve been gone longer than I thought I would be.

All in all, it beats the hell out of sitting in the house talking to Teddy and trying to keep Enzo from eating him.  And seriously, there is only so much television I can handle.  Especially daytime television.  I now remember why I hardly ever had that thing on.  My brain, it hurts!

I apologize for any comments that were made recently that didn’t get published.  I had several hundred items caught by the spam filters and I really just couldn’t bring myself to go through them all.  If your comment never appeared, that would be why.

I only receive a few comments here and there, generally from people I know, and only one that I know of was caught in the spam filter.  This round there may have been more.  I blame the pain killers.

On August 8, I was admitted to the hospital with a badly fractured femur and other assorted injuries.  All the result of a very nasty motorcycle accident.  On August 9, I underwent surgery to repair my femur.  My stay in the hospital lasted until August 12, at which point I was begging to be released.

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Hello my friends… Just a quick update for those of you who come here looking for news about me.

In the wee hours of Saturday morning I was in a bit of an accident and have been in the hospital ever since. I will be posting a minimum of two blogs regarding some less than stellar experiences I’ve had since my arrival in hell.  And, naturally, I’ll post at least one or two poking fun at myself.  In the meantime, you can find me posting daily updates about the gourmet meals I’m being served over at Facebook.

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Misogyny: hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women.

You don’t think about it, you never do. The subtle little ways that they let you know that they hate you. You accept it as normal, the status quo; it’s so much a part of your every day life that you simply don’t see it.

Except when you do.

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Note: yes, this is two blog posts in a day.  Don’t get all excited, it’s a rare event, and not likely to happen again any time soon.

One of the things you pick up in Anonymous groups (I’m not talking about the Internet Hate Machine, don’t start hatin’), is that you are supposed to submit your will to God.  God, god, Goddess, goddess, whatever, the god of your understanding.  Sort of difficult when one is for all intents and purposes an atheist, wouldn’t you say?

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All right, all right… I get it.  I haven’t posted much on any of the social networking sites, and I’ve gotten several inquiries as to my whereabouts and well being.  Well, my whereabouts are easy.  I’m in Leesburg, people.  LEESBURG.

As you’ve no doubt heard me grouse about before, my previous residence had two major issues.  One being that it was pretty much a given that any time it rained steadily for several days, my family room became the indoor swimming pool.  The second issue was the lack of response or concern on the part of the landlord.  Even an independent woman like me can only take so much before she contemplates tossing herself off the side of the American Legion Bridge on the way home from work.

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Someone used to say to me, after a particularly bad night finding me begging for a death that was far more preferable to the life I was living, that it wasn’t his fault, he had been painted into a corner.  As my journey in life takes me to new places, I find a bit of validity in those words.  With a minor edit; I have painted myself into a corner.

And so, here I am, in a different place now, or rather, preparing to be in a different place.  A bump in the road, perhaps, but a steep little bump at that.  The things I dreamed about, believed in, I realize are gone… again.  Today is where I exist; this place, this time.  With all the anticipation and dread that comes with it.

I find myself staring into a vast unknown, filled with more unease than I have felt in a great many years.  I’ve been through hell and back again, I’ve survived so much, and there are days when I am so tired.  But this latest adventure, if I can call it such, I have no one to blame but my own damn self.

I relaxed where I should not have, believed where there was nothing worthy of such faith, and allowed myself to get far too comfortable in a life that was never truly mine.  Again.

I’d say that I’ve learned my lesson, but the truth is, I haven’t.  I’ll do it again.  Over and over again.  I’ll believe in the happy ever after, because in this world, honestly, that belief is all I have left.  I’ll trust that the world won’t be so brutal, and when it is, I’ll sit quietly and lick my wounds and dream of better days.  And then I’ll get up and do it all over again.

I will giggle and laugh, I will find humor in the oddest places, and I will survive this newest change.  Perhaps I may not laugh as loud for awhile, and perhaps you might notice my eyes a little shinier than usual (it’s dust, I swear!), but I will land on my feet.

I will still believe in happy ever after when I come out of the other side of the rabbit hole.  There is nothing that will ever take that away from me; but for now, happy ever after seems so very far away.  Sometimes I resent the hell out of that, but this time, I did it to myself.

I’m walking into this thing with eyes wide open; maybe there’s a shimmer of belief left, maybe that shimmer just got up and walked away, but either way, I think I know exactly what I’m doing.  I think…

Several of my friends have expressed concern about the move I’m making, knowing me as they do and knowing how fragile that black little thing in my chest truly is, but I’ll remind them again of the promise I made to myself…

I’m going to love like I’ve never been hurt.