Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Working the first three steps was, relatively speaking, a piece of cake. The fourth step involves a bit more preparation and work as I ready myself to take an inventory of my patterns and habits. As I work through this, I have seen some patterns that are more easily broken than others, and some that will take years to fully work through.
I think I screwed up the comments a wee bit while trying to re-order all of my entries. If your comment shows up in the wrong place, shoot me an email. I’m a wee bit absent minded these days and am sure I got something associated with the wrong bloody entry.
Wheeeeeee!
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Wow, what a concept, yes? To believe that there is such an entity and that such an entity can restore us. What an amazing thing to be able to have! And yet, even with my belief in a higher power, I have struggled with this in ways that you would not believe.
It is not that I do not believe in a higher power, I do. It is not that I do not believe that She can restore me, I do. It is that I often find myself wholly unworthy of such a restoration. I have believed, for most of my life, that I am unworthy of true love, unworthy of redemption.
Been doing blogging over on myspace (yes, yes, I know… TEH LAME) but I like it, so stuff it. Going to bring a few of the entries over here. The dates will be wonky for a few while I adjust.
Stay tuned 
Posted without comment. Other than to say, “WTF?”
From CNN: Prosecutors say the teen is a material witness and they want her jailed for her safety. A judge has ordered that she be held indefinitely.
The girl failed to show earlier this month at the trial of a 20-year-old man, who’s accused of having unlawful sexual conduct with her. He is free on bond.
Full story here: Teen jailed for her own safety, prosecutors say
I went to the grocery store this morning, at the request of my daughter, and did some basic grocery shopping. While there, I noticed all of the dads out with the kids, picking up flowers and other small tokens of affection. I was touched and moved, and feeling rather disconnected and saddened that no one was doing any such thing for me. I returned home, feeling somewhat small and insignificant in the great celebration of motherhood.
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
That, my friends, is the hardest step to take. For someone who has lived their life as I have, to admit that no matter how hard I want to, I cannot change another person, is near impossible. I have spent all of my life believing that if I loved someone enough, they would love me in return. If I were good enough, they would view me as someone of value and worth. If they had problems, those were obviously my problems, my cause, my fault.
Others problems are not mine and I can’t make anyone love me. You can’t make anyone do that. If you spend enough time trying to, you’ll find that all you do is frustrate yourself. You’ll find yourself angry and alienated. Life is too short. Way too short.
I am of value, and I have worth. Today, I love myself enough. My goal this week is to wake up each morning and repeat that to myself. To make it a part of my daily routine, as much as that first morning cuppa joe.
I will thrive, and I will flourish. I have been blessed by the Goddess. I am starlight.
Dear Goddess,
It’s me, Sabre. I know, it’s been awhile. I’m sure some of your other daughters write more often, but you know me, I tend to spin around for awhile before coming home to hide for a bit.
Thank you for all of the challenges you’ve sent my way. I’m growing and learning, seriously making progress as a human being. And while I appreciate that you think I’m strong enough to take it, do you think, maybe, just for a little while, you could cut me some slack? I’m just not sure I’m as strong as you think I am.
I know that you would only give me what you believe I can handle, but I’m cracking under the strain. I put on a tough face, and I smile for the world, but you know what happens when the door closes and the world goes away. The tears come and they won’t stop, and I’m just a little tired of crying at this point.
If you can manage it, it sure would mean a lot to me if you’d send me a little bit of strength. Maybe some laughter too, I’m short on it today. And if you can find it within you to ease up a little, well, I’d sure appreciate that.
Thanks for the sun today, it was a gorgeous day. Maybe that’s all I needed? I don’t know, can I get back to you on that one?
- Sabre
I swear to all that is sacred, some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed and drag your happy ass to the office. You’ll only get an emergency phone call to come get your child who will need to be on suicide watch all weekend.
So, as should be obvious, I have a teenager in crisis and do not expect to be online other than AIM for the remainder of the week. I’ll try to post an update over the weekend, but I’m so stressed I can barely type.
Here’s to all of you out there, I hope your week wraps up better than mine has. If not, meet me on Monday evening and we’ll all go on a three day drinking binge together and head to brighter skies.