Of Mother’s Day and Expectations
I went to the grocery store this morning, at the request of my daughter, and did some basic grocery shopping. While there, I noticed all of the dads out with the kids, picking up flowers and other small tokens of affection. I was touched and moved, and feeling rather disconnected and saddened that no one was doing any such thing for me. I returned home, feeling somewhat small and insignificant in the great celebration of motherhood.
Not having a mother has made me extraordinarily sensitive to the whole shebang. I was speaking with a person from my past last night, and one of the things we have been discussing is our expectations of others and how that tangles up our lives. For me today, there was the expectation of some display of affection and appreciation. The small token from my children that says, “We appreciate all that you have done for us, and all the sacrifices you have made for us.”
And then I got to thinking, as is my wont to do, about how fucked up that truly is. To expect that what you have done for the sake of another is somehow celebrated is a selfish act. To expect that your children, of all people, will appreciate all the nights you stayed home and kept watch so they could go out, or when you ate ramen so they could eat a full meal, is just short of ridiculous. Yet another thing for my list of shortcomings that I must work on.
The other thing that hit me hard today was that I had believed that I had, indeed, found a surrogate mother. I have mourned the loss of my mother, as screwed up and hard on me as she was, since childhood. I have been seeking, somewhat subconsciously, someone to fill that role. To nurture me and love me as I have been unable to do for myself. So when I felt that I had found a surrogate, I hung a lot of expectations on that. That she would love me, unconditionally, that she would give me the affection my own mother failed to give me. And I conducted myself accordingly.
Add her to the list of people to make amends to when I get to that Step. To expect that her love was unconditional is not wrong, but to expect that the relationship would survive when other relationships have crashed and burned is wrong.
Lessons are painful sometimes. But in order to move forward, one has to be willing to accept the pain as the price of learning. Today I have been gifted with insight into my own mind, which can be a very scary prospect for someone who tends to have too many thoughts happening at one time.
Just for today, I don’t need a mother to hold me while I cry. For today, I’m good enough to hold myself.