Getting back on the horse?
So as I’m sitting in the bar the other night, watching a parade of very pretty men go by, a friend says to me, “Oh jesus, you need a date.” I laugh, say no, maybe just some random sex, but I kid because I’m not that type. Well, as long as my stock of batteries stays fresh, that is. What?! You do it too, shut up!
It got me thinking though, do I need a date? A couple of co-workers mentioned dating to me. I have lovely friends who keep swearing they’ve found a great guy for me. What the hell… so I’m thinking about it. My relationship ended in what, April? Okay, technically, he moved out in March, but there was this whole string along game for a couple of weeks. Thing is, it really ended last November. Ask me about the Great Garbage Disposal Debacle of ‘05 one time when I’m good and lit up. I think that was when we both realized this was never going to work out.
We hung on for a long time, trying like mad to save a doomed relationship. I tried because I loved him, don’t know why he tried, maybe he loved me too. Goddess knows I still love him. Probably always will. Yeah, sue me. I know, he hates me with a passion now, enjoys trying to make me cry, and I shouldn’t love him, but I do. I’d like to find the switch for that, but I can’t. It doesn’t hurt too much these days, only after he’s made some nasty dig or tried once again to hurt me. Eh, so I refuse to communicate with him anymore, save us all some heartache. I get nasty vicious when poked and prodded too many times, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him.
Anyway, back to this here dating thing. It sounds really good in theory, yanno? I’ve always been really good at compartmentalizing my feelings. I can put this one over here in a box, that one up on a shelf in a jar, and another one tucked under the bed for safe keeping. Whatever feelings I have for the ex are pretty safely wrapped up in a box, with a pink satin ribbon no less. I’m not worried about those emotions bleeding all over someone else. I have a fantastic time when I’m with other adults (surrounded by teenagers mostly!) and can hold my own in pretty much any conversation under the sun.
Dating though, not sure. I would like to think there is a nice someone out there that I can grow old with. I’m just not ready to get into that whole growing old thing, nor am I ready for any type of long term commitment. Is there such a thing as “just dating” or does that never really happen these days? I’m pretty sure there is, but I see all these people hooking up and spitting out vows so quickly lately. Before the ex, there were a couple of guys I was dating, all very amicable and friendly, some smooching at midnight, but mostly just good company.
Maybe it’s my age. Being a bit older than most of my peers, I don’t have a lot of patience for the whole thing. Maybe I’m too bitter, I think everyone should be forced to carry a sign around openly displaying their issues so you can walk away before getting too deeply entangled. Maybe I’m just not ready.
But I keep thinking about it, whereas I was not before. Friends would say, “Let me set you up with this guy,” and I’d be all, “Are you stupid? I am totally uninterested!” And come to think of it, why do none of you snapperheads ever offer to set me up with his sister instead? Christ.
I’m not sure why I’m thinking about it. But it’s there, gnawing at the base of my skull, pestering me. So I figured I’d open it up to you kids. When did you start dating after your last breakup? How did it go? Tell me your stories. Am I mad to even be considering this? And no, I still don’t want to have sex with you, stop asking 