Right of Refusal
During the last few months or so of my life, I’ve had to learn a very hard lesson. It’s been difficult, and there have been days when I thought I could take no more, but mostly, the lesson has been important.
I think all of us share a tendency to wear a mask of normalcy. We all tend to put our best foot forward when meeting new people, and we hope and pray that whatever little quirks we have they will not find to be objectionable. Sometimes they do, and we move on to meet new and other people with masks of their own. However, there are some people, who wear the mask so well that by the time you realize they are genuinely mentally unbalanced, you are firmly entrenched in their world.
Escape from their world is difficult, but not impossible. The first order of escape is to begin to understand how you made the choice to be in their world in the first place. This takes a great deal of work, and a lot of willingness to step within yourself and truly view your own internal workings. We are, generally speaking, not comfortable with facing our own issues and demons, so we tend to not take this step.
For me, knowing that I deserve a life of happiness and peace and love, I had to force myself into this step. I had to be willing to sit down with myself and say, “Okay girl, why do you keep doing this to yourself? No one did it but you, so why are you doing it?” In order to truly understand our relationships, we must first understand ourselves and be willing to search through our hearts, souls, and minds to get to the truth of the matter.
The work we have to do, in order to be willing to move forward, is painful and often times we run from it. I have not allowed myself to run from it. I have not allowed myself my usual means of escape. I have pushed forward, dug through the layers, and confronted the ghost of my past to understand how I can have a healthy future. And believe it when I say, I am still digging and will be for a long time to come.
In the process of accepting my own shortcomings, and yes, defaults of character, I have also been learning to set clear boundaries and limitations. I am not superwoman, and there is only so much I can do before I find myself at the breaking point of my own sanity. So I have begun to set clear boundaries. I have chosen to not respond to certain things that would have previously sent me into a tornado of emotion. I have chosen to accept the word of people as their word when they offer something to me, and not seek out the darker side of their offer. I have chosen to move forward and work on what I have to, let go of what is gone, and begin each day with hope for my future and belief in the inherent rightness of the world. I have chosen to put myself and my children first and foremost, but most notably, myself and my needs as a human being must come first. I cannot be a good mother if I do not take care of Sabre. And I cannot be a good partner to anyone in the future if I don’t learn to stop putting others needs before my own.
There are those who are not accepting of this. Those who believe it is their right to walk on you, call you names, accuse you of things you haven’t done, yell at you, make demands of you, lie to you and about you, and basically treat you like human refuse. And there was a time when I believed it was their right as well. I believe that no more. I have seen through the mask of normalcy and understand, and even sympathize with, the mental illness that was hidden beneath it. I have seen through my own need to let someone punish me for things I have not done, and have come to understand why I tend to choose such people in the first place.
I have tried to be patient, and I have tried to be compassionate. I have tried to be understanding, and I have tried to work within the confines of another’s illness. I will do that no more. And while I cannot say that I have handled this at all times with the utmost grace and dignity, I can say that I have tried and put forth more effort than I have ever done in my life. I have, here and there, gotten angry and badly hurt, but mostly, I’ve simply gotten tired.
I accept my own responsibility for my actions and words. I do not accept the lies and the abuse and the insanity any longer. I will no longer deal with people who refuse to accept their own culpability for their actions or refuse to seek professional treatment for their illness. While I accept that some people are who they are and will never grow or change, I do not have to deal with them, nor allow myself or my children to be affected by their illness any longer. I will not support someone who lies and demands that I swallow those lies when I have documented proof to the contrary, who tears into me at every turn, who abuses my good nature, who treats me as if I were born solely to be kicked around. No more and no more.
If this makes me a cold hearted bitch, then so be it. But this is my life, and lies and insanity are not welcome here. I accept that it is the way of life for some, they need to accept that it is my right to refuse passage into my world.