So today was a major project at work that yours truly has been preparing for for the last couple of weeks. Major code rollout that could potentially lead to a disaster if not properly handled.

I coded, tested, recoded, tested some more. As of this morning, I was doing more testing, Just In Case. (I am not anal, shut up!) So I review every line, I feel good and confident, I’m ready to go.

Conference call with the vendor, tell them I’m ready. They are ready. Push new code live.

*sigh*

Vendor is not so ready. Thousands of error messages flooding my inbox as subscribers (as in they paid for this service and by god they want it now!) attempt to login and are unable to. More tweaking on the vendor’s side. And finally, what should have been a 30 second roll out, is done and running after a lovely 45 minute downtime.

I want a cigarette so bad. I am not giving into temptation though, I am determined. Damn you nicotine! Damn you all to hell!

Update: Vendor sucks. The new code is on some servers, but not all, so guess what happens whenever their load balancers direct traffic to the servers without the new code? Assholes!

*sigh*

This morning I woke up, dragged my sleepy self downstairs, grabbed my pack of cigarettes and ran it under water. I stuck it in the garbage can, poured myself some coffee and reflected on the possibility of not having to stop to take breaks just walking up the stairs.

I quit a few years ago, and I think mostly I did okay with it. I found out, quite by accident while getting some pre-op testing done for some surgery, that I have begun developing emphysema. Nice, yes? One would think that that would be enough to keep me on a quit for the rest of my life. Sadly, no.

In the last three weeks I have noticed serious breathing issues, but I couldn’t seem to put the damn things down. There has been so much stress and so many trials this year, it’s just been really difficult. I’ve scolded myself a lot because there is nothing so bad that happens that it’s worth dying over, and killing myself with those things is most assuredly what I was doing.

I got the last of my belongings from the old house yesterday, made one last trip down memory lane, locked the door and drove away. What better time to quit smoking? The moving is done (except for that pesky unpacking thing) and the kids are in Florida for the next month. Limited (ha) stress, I hope
Wish me luck!

The move is over. I officially have all of my shit. And yes, at this point, it’s all pretty much shit. *mumble*spit* I’m getting this insane urge to call Goodwill and have them come pick it up. The furniture, the boxes, the crap that I have no idea where to put or what it even is. Everything.

*sigh* But then I’d whine because I have no shit. No, I’m not in a shitty mood, shut up!

I have to go back to the old place this weekend, sand some patch jobs, do some touch up paint, and mow the damn yard. I’m so incredibly overjoyed about this that I can hardly contain myself. *middle finger to circumstances that caused me to move*

I still have to move all of my bedroom furniture around because yours truly felt it very important to put the headboard at *that* wall over there, and wouldn’t you just fucking know I’d bump my shin into my own damn dresser one too many times.

There are shelves to hang, pictures to hang, more shelves to buy (you wouldn’t believe how accustomed you get to built-ins until you don’t have them anymore!), boxes to unpack, things to put away, yard work to be done (this place is a mess!), and more gd boxes to unpack.

On the kittay front, landlord is kind enough to let them stay here until I can get them fostered. Gives me more time, but I still seem to have trouble placing them and time is something I seem very short on these days.

On the mommy overload front, the kids go to Florida on Friday. One glorious month without hearing “he’s touching me!” or “she’s looking at me!” I can’t begin to tell you how much I really need this break. I’ll miss them like hell, but I won’t miss the racket one little bit. And if one more person unhooks my damn dvd player to put their own in because they can’t figure out how to operate mine, I’m going to go completely postal. GAWD! Oh jeez, and I still have to properly run all the wires for the surround.

If I sit here too long, I can make a list of things to do that would make your head spin. One day, I’m going to come home from work, eat a salad, put my feet up with a bottle of wine, and say “Gee, I’m bored, I have nothing to do today.” I figure that’ll be sometime next year at this rate.

I’m going to take my lovely little pmsing self to bed. Where I shall sleep a thousand sleeps and dream of not waking up. Bitch is, as tired as I am, I won’t sleep at all.

Hope all is well in everyone’s world. It’s still goofy here, but it’s getting better.

I made my bed, and I wasn’t home.

I hung up my clothes, and I wasn’t home.

I set up my computer, and I wasn’t home.

I unpacked my kitchen crap, and I still wasn’t home.

I unpacked the china. I’m home. (I am not a yuppy, shut up!)

All of a sudden, and quite without warning I might add, all of the stress, heartache, and misery is gone. Just *gone* baybee. I’m home.

It’s been a long road, and it’s taken awhile to get here, and I don’t think I’m done with the emotions, but you know what? It’s all good. Aaaallll gooooood.

Is that a new door that just opened? Oooh, I need to go see what’s on the other side.

Beware, pissed off rant ahead.

So I moved, mostly. And I found a new home for my dog. And a foster home for my cats. Oh wait, scratch that. The girl who was going to foster them can’t now. I’ve called every gd no-kill shelter in Loudoun county, and no one can take them. Now I’m on to other counties. But so far, no luck. If I can’t find anywhere to take them, or can’t convince my landlord to let me keep them till one of the fostering places can find homes for them, what does that leave me? The gd shelter. Not the no-kill shelter. The Big Sleep shelter.

What is fucking next? What is the point? How strong am I supposed to be?

I am so fucking pissed off that this shit just keeps piling up. I know that it’s all going to be different soon, that things will change and that my life will be mine again. But for right now, I’ve had it up to my ears with challenges and frustrations and emotional overload.

Fuck and fuck. I swear to all that is holy, when I make it through this, and I will, there is going to be a reckoning.

James said the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train… I pray that he is right.

Wow, what a weekend (no really, it’s still the weekend for me)

I’m 95% moved, and 100% bruised. I don’t think there is a bit of skin left that isn’t all bruised up! I’m heading over to the old place to do the cleaning now, I’m so not happy about that, but someone has to do it, right?

I will post more later, probably some long rambling thing about moving and changes and what’s happening to me and blah blah blah. But for now, I just want to say thank you to some really wonderful people.

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In the last few months, my life has taken some very serious twists and turns. Some of it good, some of it bad, most of it highly emotional in one way or another.

Tomorrow we move. Joy. Have I mentioned that I hate moving? Yeah, I’m sure I at least hinted at it
It’s been crazy, and it’s been one hell of a ride, but it’s almost at the end. Told a friend today that I really didn’t want to do this. “Well, it’s too late for that, seems to me that train has already left the station and is barreling down the tracks.” I guess he’s right, too late to turn back now.

Although, for me, and my stupid sense of belief, it’s never too late for a miracle. The only time it’s too late is when you are dead. But until that day, there’s always a chance, and I am living and breathing for that chance. To one day have my life back again, not as it was, but as it should have been.

Right now though, I’m just waiting to exhale.

I’ll see you kids on Monday - try not to have too much fun without me.

You know, I just noticed, tomorrow isn’t the big day - today is! It’s after three in the morning!

Connor just left with his new family.

I remember when I adopted him, he was so adorable and so full of love. All he wanted to do was climb on my lap and lick my face off. 5 years later, he still wants to do nothing other than love and be loved.

He’s one of the best friends I have ever had. He’s honest and true, never yells at me because he’s had a bad day, never tells me my ass looks too fat, and always laughs at my jokes. Okay, maybe not laugh, more like drool and spazz and jump up and down. He’s always happy to see me, and I can tell him everything and he never judges me.

I keep thinking that eventually this is going to get easier. That I’m going to get over it all and move on. That’s not happening. I’m trying to stay positive and focused, but it all still hurts so much that I sometimes can’t breathe.

I just don’t see where this gets easier.

Last minute packing, oh how fun. I hate this shit. No, really, I hate it.

Boohoo and sob sob. Someone call the waaaaambulance, because I’m cryin’ like a bitch over here.

That is all, carry on.

Baltimore rocks!

The lovely Goddess Dawn and I decided we needed a break from the insanity of our lives, so we hiked on up to Baltimore to check out Supine this past weekend. I was considering backing out, who wants to drive all the way to Baltimore just to be unable to drink more than two beers? Oh, wait, that’d be me!

The band was awesome, Jim is The Sweetest Guy Ever, and we had a really good time. Met some wonderful new people, and all around amused the hell out of myself. Thank you Baltimore for showing me your beautiful side, in the form of an endless parade of beautiful people. Thank you, Jim, for being one hell of a host! I can’t wait to come see you again! Next time I even get to stay in my own state, yay!

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