How to Push Women’s Rights Two Decades Back
Part 1: The Second Coming of the Hysterical Woman
I learned something new this week. When being shuffled out of the window office that you didn’t really earn because you’ve only been employed by the company for 2.5 seconds and most everyone with seniority over you resents, use tears and loud dramatic sniffling to ensure you get to stay in that coveted spot.
Don’t employ reason. Don’t act rationally. Certainly, don’t accept the fact that office shuffling happens a lot at your company. Above all, don’t be graceful and pack your box and just move. No. What you should do is cry. Loudly. Dramatically. To your immediate supervisor. To your immediate supervisor’s boss. To anyone who will listen to you - which is to say the entire company because you are so loud you can be heard over incoming jets. Turn red, wail, get the water works really going.
On behalf of all professional women everywhere, I’d like to thank you for your lack of pride and rational thinking. Thank you for reminding the male staff that women are irrational and prone to hysterics. Bitch!
Part 2: What the Best Dressed Bitches are Wearing
Another new thing I learned has to do with clothing. In today’s fast paced world of business, the busy woman need not worry about what to wear to the office. Because, apparently, anything goes. Don’t worry about dressing professionally. There’s no need for that. Just wear whatever you wore the night before!
No time to change after a busy night working the streets? No problem! Splash some water on your face, brush your hair, and wear that ultra mini skirt to work. You know, the one with the FRONT SLIT that stops about an inch below your cooch. And don’t forget the stiletto heels! Just toss some black panty hose on and you are ready to file those papers!
On behalf of the entire building, I’d like to thank you for your lack of decency and rational thinking. Thank you for reminding every male in a three block radius that women are really only here for decoration. In the immortal words of Chevy Chase: Jane, you ignorant slut!