Serendipity, Part Deux
Some time ago, I wrote about serendipity, and about how things were starting to fall into place in my life. And, as I said then, my life has always been a series of threes, so I knew something else might be on the horizon, but I didn’t know what it would be.
I certainly didn’t expect what happened next.
Old friends will recall that the new year didn’t start out very well for me, and things took a serious turn for the worse when the spring came. I was miserable, unhappy, and trying to find a way out of a situation I didn’t want to be in. Living in Virginia was not making for a happy Sabre. I had been somewhat content in Columbia, and resented the hell out of moving to another state. I missed my friends, and I missed my community. I missed what the community represented to me, and how well it had served my kids. We had only been there two years, but it felt like home.
I had been contemplating moving back, or maybe even closer to work, in Rockville. But every time I got close to making the move, I would back out at the last minute. I planned and plotted, and somehow never got my savings account back to normal levels. Retail therapy - good for the soul, bad for the checkbook.
By the time everything completely unraveled, it became apparent that I couldn’t move from Potomac Falls. The kids had been shuffled around so much in the last few years that we (meaning the family therapist and I, thank you very much) believed that one more change in school districts would be detrimental to them. So, with a heavy heart, a bitter soul, and a hell of a lot of bitching on my part, I resigned myself to my fate. Potomac Falls was my new home, and there I would stay. For better or for worse.
Two of my nearest and dearest friends listened over and over to my lamentations. They consoled me, counseled me, and assured me that I would one day be happy. Every time I cried over the way things had become, they gently (and sometimes, not so gently) pointed out to me that it had been so much worse before everything came crashing down. And they were right, but I didn’t want to hear that. All I wanted to do was bitch and scream about the things that had gone wrong, and how let down I felt about it all.
I’m fortunate they are still my friends. Good Goddess, did I carry on. If I were them, I would have hung up on me more than once.
I went through the crying phase, drowning my friends in my tears of frustration and anger. And after I was all cried out I began to accept my life as it was. I found a certain freedom in the thought that I was alone. There was no one to answer to, no one to explain my moments of silence to (these are rare, believe me, and generally unsettling for those around me.) It was liberating.
Somewhere in the midst of it all, I rediscovered my self confidence. It had been one thing sadly missing from my life for so many years. I had spent so much time doubting myself, chastising myself, running myself ragged, that it had all become second nature to me. Without a doubt, I’ve kicked the shit out of myself harder than anyone else ever could. I have always been my own worst enemy. I decided that maybe it was time to be my own best friend.
And maybe it was time to start being a little more pro-active in my newly forming life.
Eventually, with a little encouragement from friends, I decided to venture out into that “dating” thing again. I was a little reluctant, and while I could handle the concept of dating, the thought of a “relationship” sent me into a mad panic. I swore up and down that I was done, it was over, and I was going to just go out and have fun. So I did. A little dinner here, a few drinks there. Nothing serious, nothing romantic. I met a few new people, had some good times, and at the end of each evening I made my way back home, content that I had gone out and had fun without allowing anything or anyone to creep past my resolutions.
I came home from a friend’s 4th of July BBQ and parked myself in front of my computer with the intentions of goofing off. Instead, I found myself making a list. What did I want and how did I plan on getting it?
It was a short list. Most of the things I had been working on already, and things were starting to fall into place for me. In fact, as I sat and reviewed, I realized that I already had, or was working on getting, everything I wanted and needed.
How cool is that? I tossed my list and decided goofing off was the more appropriate thing to do after all.
I spent some time surfing profiles on MySpace, as I tended to do when I was bored, and stumbled across someone who amused me. I started to email him, and then said, “You know, maybe you shouldn’t email strange men when you have a buzz.” “Oh, right,” said I to myself. So I turned off my monitor and wandered off to bed.
The next evening, when I should have been packing, I found myself emailing him. Just to say hello. Or rather, “Hi neighbor.” I had no idea what was coming next, but in hindsight, maybe I should have seen it coming.
I told you, things happen in threes.
Somewhere between all that was happening in my life, and all that was happening in his, we found common ground. He’s my best friend, the quiet strength that keeps me going, the solidity that keeps me grounded. Learning to see myself through his eyes is still a trick, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.
It’s been six months since I had the courage to say hello to a stranger. Sure, you could say, “But, Sabre, it’s only been six months.” But it’s been six months of happiness that I didn’t think I would ever find. Who knew?