Before I forget - a must read for some of us
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
I picked this up at Borders on Sunday and have been reading it nightly. It’s absolutely frightening how many things I recognize. There are a few things that don’t apply, of course, but reading it had me shaking at first. The first day I picked it up, I skimmed through it, and was completely shocked to see my life being described down to the tiniest detail. I literally had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from crying out, “Oh my god, how did you KNOW?”
Mr. Bancroft (yeah, it’s not some “feminist propoganda”, you jerk) has worked with literally thousands of abusive men and their partners and provides some amazing insight into how their minds work. The most important thing I’ve taken away from this book thus far is that it’s -not- caused by substance abuse, no matter what we’d like to tell ourselves. Substance abuse may facilitate it, but alcohol or drugs will not make a non-abusive person become abusive. Period.
The addict (be it alcohol or drugs) who is abusive needs to address both issues in order to have any truly meaningful change. The sad part is, the recovery rate for abusive addicts is rather low.
The only good part of that is the knowledge, and we need to tell ourselves this as many times as it takes, that there was never anything we could do to stop it. There was no amount of compassion and help we could give to make it better. It wasn’t going to change, and it was never our fault.
If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship and were left wondering what the hell you did wrong, please pick this book up and read it. It will really help.