It’s been a month, people. A really bad month. Health, work, financial, personal, you name it, it’s all falling down around me and I can’t keep up.

First, though, the good news. The urine cytology came back negative for malignant cells. I’d celebrate, but I still have to have the damn biopsy. That lovely little bit of fun is scheduled for the end of February.

Why so late? Between their schedule and my work projects, well that’s about the only time it can be done. I’m feeling pretty confident that all is well in the internal workings of Wonderland, but you know, that whole C word thing really fucks with my head. According to the lovely man who will be pulling out pieces of my bladder for further examination, it’s possible for the cytology to come back negative but still be, well, you know.

I had a major disappointment at work this week, and on top of that, I had the rug pulled out from under me as well. Between a meeting on Tuesday, a weird turn of events yesterday, and another meeting today, I’m actually pretty surprised you can’t see the tire tracks on my back from the bus I was thrown under. But hey, let’s all keep our spirits up and knock this project out!

Yeah. I got your fuckin’ team spirit right here. *middle finger* You know, there’s no “I” in team, but if you add an extra e, there is an “eat me.”

Next project on my list is at least with a team that doesn’t have unrealistic expectations. Well, sometimes they do, but when I explain to them why it’s unrealistic, they do the oddest thing. They listen to me. Strange that. *kisses their way*

Financially, well. Yeah. That’s a bit of a mess right now, but if I can just find some time to take care of two lousy things, I’ll get that squared away quickly. Please, mister, can you spare some time?

And I’m so not touching on the personal stuff right now. I’m feeling pulled from several directions and spending every day being more confused about which way I’m supposed to go. Pretty soon I think I’m just going to go completely insane, and that will solve that little issue right there.

Too bad I can’t get paid for being crazy, I’d be rich!

And now I’m off to finally move my personal sites off of my old host and put them on my new host. Uh, Sabreland? Yeah, she’s going down for a bit. Maybe that’ll be the incentive I need to finally finish installing WordPress and getting it tweaked out correctly. I’ll back up her db and hopefully be able to import it into WP when it’s up. Ha!

That’s it, that’s all. I apologize for not having my usual nonsense and goofy stuff up here, but it’s been a bit too overwhelming for me.

Peace, bitchez!

I’m not always the best person I should be, but some words floating around today have helped me to realize I’m not a total waste either. I respond and react in ways that are uniquely my own. Granted, not always the best ways, but I’m human and am prone to making mistakes.

*platitude deleted*

I’ve tried to be perfect for a very long time. And, naturally, I’ve failed. But believe me, no one can make me feel worse about it than I make myself feel. You can try, but it won’t work, because I’m pretty sure I’ve already beaten the crap out of myself enough for all parties involved.

I’m done with trying to be perfect. I never expected anyone else to be, just myself, contrary to what some people may think. I’ve been dogging the hell out of myself for the last week, and I’m pretty much done with that too.

Yeah, I think I’m done.

With all of it.

Self destruction will continue as scheduled. Phase one complete. Phase two complete. Phase three initialized.

Peace, bitches.

Another day in Project Hell. Whee. Missing include files, messed up css files, templates reverted to old versions. This on top of background drama from several different sources, that pesky health issue thing, and my own personal brand of uber high maintenance neediness.

And my solution to all of it?

Stare at my monitor in a state of complete shock and disbelief. And then put my head down and just cry like a bitch for awhile.

It’s official, I’ve completely lost all semblance of control and sanity.

So, I has snow. And as we all know, Sabres no likey snow. Sabres really, really no likey driving in the snow.

The commute home was interesting. I hit 193 and for the next ten miles pretty much drove sideways. Which, you know, can be fun… when you are *trying* to do it. Not so much when you are trying desperately to just keep the damn car on the road. Bonus points for me for making it. There were no less than three other cars sitting in ditches. One clearly did quite a spin before landing in a big one.

And so Grace and I arrive mostly unscathed, except for that little incident coming out of the parking garage at work where I lost control of the slide and sort of accidentally maybe hit a curb. No body damage, just more scrapes on the wheels.

As I pull in, I get a good look at my spot and realize there’s no way in hell I’m going to make it in. Of course, I had to try anyway, but it was ever so futile. So I parked in a no parking zone and ran in to get out of my high heels and into my boots. At which point the lovely young man next door offers to shovel that for me. It was pretty iced over, so I looked at it carefully, weighed my options, and presented him with a lovely, yet wrinkled, ten dollar bill. He balked a bit, but it’s icing over already, you are a teenager who needs cash, take the money please!

As I make my way through the mess on my walkway, my other neighbor comes out to shovel his walk. I say hi, we discuss commutes, I run in to change and grab my shovel.

And what do I see as I open the door? Said neighbor, Ben, shoveling my walkway and steps for me. I didn’t offer him cash, but I did agree to buy the next round of drinks on the next neighbor party night.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is what I consider to be a rather wonderful way to end a craptacular day. I didn’t even mumble under my breath as I shoveled off most of the back patio before it had a chance to completely ice over.

Me: You know, I really like (name withheld), he’s always so nice.

Officemate 1: Oh, you mean the guy who has a crush on you?

Me: He does not!

Officemate 1: Who else sends emails at work that say “I really like talking to you?”

Officemate 2: Oh, he’s crushing.

Me: *indignant* He was just saying I was nice.

Officemate 1: He likes you.

Officemate 2: He does.

Me: What do you guys know?

Officemates in unison: We’re guys! We know.

Me: *walking out the door* Whatever!

Officemate 2: Bowchicabowwow!

Yep, this is how I spend my days!

My friend, the lovely Goddess, often refers to her blog as a vagina blog. And before you guys go getting all hot and horny, it’s not because she blogs about sex. Okay, maybe sometimes she does… that’s not the point! It’s because it’s pretty much all about thinking like a girl and feeling like a girl. You know, being a girl. Or woman. Pick your gender identifier and move on.

By that definition, this blog will probably be considered to be a vagina blog simply because it’s going to emote in a big fat hemorrhaging sort of way. And we all know that only women do that. *cough* I’m so not touching on the media circus of Hillary “crying” no matter how much I want to. One word: misogynistic bastards. K, that was two. Wevs.

Read the rest of this entry »

The exciting plans for the night… head up to Blockbuster, procure a copy of Resident Evil 3 in HD, come home and geek out for a couple of hours. But noooooo, we can’t be having any of that! Blockbuster, in their infinite wisdom, has chosen not to carry RE3 in HD, only BlueF’nRay. Gah. Stupid contracts.

Okay, fine. I’ll just rent the non-HD version and go about my business. Oh noooo, we can’t have that either! All copies of RE3 are gone, rentals and the ones available for purchase.

Fine fuckers, I’ll just take my copy of Halloween and go. *mutter*

That’s just peachy. Got some Rob Zombie vision, and I’m having a B.L.A.S.T. without RE3.

*pout*

I did get a lovely pinot grigio for later, so the night isn’t a total waste. Even if I am cussing up a storm!

Philodendrons, oh how I love them. They are low maintenance, require very little attention, and flourish in a great many conditions. Being a semi-busy sort of person, I have several of these beauties. Dark green and glossy, variegated light green, and variegated dark green.

My one and only spider plant was a mutant curly thing that I didn’t much care for. When I “accidentally” left it outside after the cold rolled in, I didn’t cry too much as I watched it wither and die. Long after it died, it’s one lone baby that I transplanted began to wither as well. I gleefully tossed that ugly thing.

I have several tropical plants that I tend to take good care of. One, much like the above mentioned mutated spider plant, was left too long in the cold and began to die. I brought him in and began slowly nursing him back to health. It will be a long time before he is restored to his former glory, but there are new green shoots and signs of life. He will survive.

Alas, I am not sure I can say the same for my beloved ivy. One of my ivy plants flourishes in the dining room window. He is a small little guy, with a constant water supply and plenty of sunlight. I’ve taken great care to make sure he thrives because he is one of the best presents I’ve ever received. His big sister? Not so much.

I brought her in out of the cold and placed her lovingly in the dining room. Yours truly, being home only some of the time, thought to herself, “Oh certainly there is enough light in here. Look how well the little one does! Look how much light comes in through the sliding doors!” Yours truly is not so smart some times.

Ivy is delicate. It requires sunlight. And when you tend to leave the blinds on the sliding glass doors closed during the day when no one is home, there tends to be very little sunlight. As I watched her beautiful leaves begin to dry and fall off, I became distressed. And then, in a moment of abject stupidity, I over watered her.

All the water in the world won’t do a thing for her without the light she craves. I’ve moved her upstairs, to a nice spot under the skylight, but I fear it may be too late. Much like human hearts, once abandoned and left to its own fate without proper care, high maintenance plants are hard to bring back.

She was a beautiful, majestic site to behold once. Now she is but a shadow of her former self. Her leaves have mostly fallen off, her countenance is no longer bright; she is, in a word, dying.

She is a symbol of something much larger. And I mean to bring her back to life.

Blog note: The title refers to the comment thread on myspace. You’ll have to look there to see what the hell was so amusing.

Once you get to be my age, and haven’t managed to actually settle down into a comfortable life time commitment, you tend to have a lot of stories about breaking up, and the little lines people use when they really just don’t know what to say.

And, of course, usually being the one who is getting dumped, instead of the one doing the dumping, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to figure out what this stuff really means. So for your entertainment and amusement, here’s my list of favorite breakup lines (yes, I’ve heard every single one of these) and my interpretation of what they really meant.

Give me your favorites, and interpretation, in the comments!

I need some time on my own.
Not really, I just don’t want to date you anymore and can’t really find a good enough reason.

We’ve grown apart.
Actually, you’ve grown a lot, and I’m not really capable of growth. Change scares me.

We want different things.
You want to be with me, and I want to be with a lot of other people.

I’m just not ready to be in a relationship at this time.
Seriously, I just want to score, a lot.

I love you, but I’m not in love with you.
What I mean to say is I can’t really stand to wake up next to you anymore, but we had some good times, so I’ll keep your phone number for when I get hard up.

I need to find myself.
A friend turned me on to this great hookup site, and I’m pretty sure I can score more if I don’t have to spend time with you.

I need some space.
Stop calling and texting me. I know I told you it was fine, but when I said I was out with the guys, I was actually out looking for a new girlfriend and she wants you to stop texting me.

I just want to be friends.
I think I found someone else, but just in case, I’d like to keep you around.

It’s what’s best for you.
I’ll be out sleeping around, and you aren’t going to like it much.

And my all time favorite:
It’s not you, it’s me.
Okay, really, it’s you. I can’t stand looking at you anymore. Okay, maybe it is me. But I’m going to blame it on you anway.

It occurs to me that I’ve become very cynical. Wonder if there’s any medication for that?