All about me…
I know I neglect this little blog, and my friends on here, and for that I do apologize. I’ve had quite a lot going on in my little corner of the world. My last blog was rather vague in what I was dealing with, but at the time I was still in a state of shock after a conversation with my doctor. Now that I’ve gotten used to what is going on, I’ve come to somewhat accept it and have turned to making random jokes about it. I presume that most of the people who read this know what’s going on, but just in case, here we go…
Some time back, I had a couple of incidents in which I was unable to effectively communicate. One was so disturbing that someone sent people over to check on me. Basically, I was typing garbage to co-workers in AIM and email. I was profoundly dizzy, seeing double, unable to feel my hands, and attempting to communicate without making a lick of sense.
After having two separate very odd occurrences, I finally convinced myself to see a doctor. I made the appointment by explaining that I was having these random attacks of vertigo. Except that wasn’t completely it. I sat down and talked to my doctor and explained everything that was going on. And she sent me in immediately to have an MRI of my pea brain.
Yes, I now have proof that I actually have one. So there.
She believed that I had at least two TIAs and wanted to get an eye at any damage that may have been done. Well, thankfully, the MRI did not indicate TIAs, or strokes of any kind for that matter. What it did show is that I have a cyst in my brain that has apparently taken on a life of its own. Which certainly explains why I constantly feel as if someone is squeezing my poor little noggin.
At this point, I do not know all of my options. Getting in to see a neurosurgeon isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world. I had an appointment scheduled for the 11th, but due to a conflict, I’ve had to reschedule and will not see him now until after the holidays. Which, hey, all the better for me!
I have seen a neurologist, and he was not exactly forthcoming with information, which has been somewhat frustrating. I will be seeing him again next week, so we’ll see if he gives up a little more information about what he sees when he looks at those crazy pictures of my skull.
For the last several months I’ve been feeling dizzy and disoriented, almost as if I’m drunk… when I’m sitting at work in the middle of the day. One would think this would be entertaining, but to be completely honest, it’s annoying as all hell. I have a difficult time communicating, and things that used to come naturally to me are a struggle. It takes me forever to write something because I have to edit everything three or four times to get it straight, and talking, well, let’s just say most people tend to think I suffer from extreme idiocy these days.
For the most part, I’m doing okay with all of it. A little annoyed at the non-stop headache and frequent dizziness, and highly irritated with my lack of ability to effectively communicate what I’m trying to say half the time, but mostly, it’s all just another day in the life.
I’ve stepped away from a lot of things for several reasons. I was horribly depressed for awhile and did not wish to be a burden on any of my friends. In addition, I’ve become extremely sensitive to negativity and have chosen to not associate with people I perceive as negative. Add to this the simple fact that I just don’t feel very well most of the time.
Now that I’m getting more accustomed to the physical aspects, I’m a little more willing to step outside of my comfort zone, but I’m still unwilling to deal with negativity. There are some things that you just have to let go of, and let fade away, in order to maintain your own sense of what is right.
A friend of mine suggested reading The Four Agreements and after skimming it and glancing at it a few times, I finally curled up with it long enough to attempt to put it into use in my world. It’s not always easy, especially the second agreement, but I’ve been working on it and will continue to do so.
So what is it? And what is it doing for me?
Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
This one I was able to get a handle on relatively quickly. I won’t always be snark-free, and I won’t always be exceptionally polite or have a great deal of integrity, but I’m aiming for it. The biggest thing I picked up from this was pretty simple: do not take the bait. It’s easy to let someone else lure you into a verbal pissing contest. It’s also completely pointless. I have better things to do with my time than get pulled into situations where I will say things that are poisonous.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Oy. This is the one that has been the most difficult. Throughout my life, when someone hurt me, lashed out at me, did something awful to me, damn skippy I took it personally. But once I got to thinking about it, and thinking about certain people in particular, and their need to lash out, I realized that it really wasn’t about me. It never was. Their perception is their reality, just as mine belongs only to me. I’ll struggle with this for the rest of my life, I know that, but once you’ve applied it successfully once or twice, as I have, it becomes easier each time.
Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
I’ve been working on this all of my life, without even realizing I was working on it. I ask people questions, I ask for clarification. Of course, I still make assumptions from time to time, I’m human. I try to see things from someone else’s viewpoint, but it’s never going to be completely accurate. So I ask for clarification - heh, usually after screwing up the second agreement and taking it personally. But I’m trying dammit!
Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
All right, confession time. I kick the crap out of myself more than anyone on the planet ever could. I always strive for my best, but somewhere along the line, I decided that my best wasn’t good enough. I don’t aim for my best, I aim to be perfect. And damn, let me tell you, perfection ain’t easy folks. But you know, I made mention in the previous blog that nothing short of love, laughter, and happiness were invited to dinner. That is going to have to apply to myself as well. I’m learning to let my best be good enough and stop expecting myself to be perfect.
So, there you go, all about me. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving (I had a full house, and the good times rolled!) and will have a happy and healthy holiday season. You know where to find me, and I’ll try to be a little more active here.
Peace babies 