We talk smack. Often to each other. It entertains us. It should be noted that a good many of these came off of Sabre’s Facebook wall and her sense of humor is somewhat… well, you’ll figure it out.

Rubbing and Smoking

Ed: I think we’re gonna need rolls because pulled pork.
Me: Aight baby, got it.
Ed: But my rolls aren’t that great.
Me: *stare*
Ed: No, they aren’t.
Me: Baby, I can make those, remember?
Ed: I mean they just aren’t that good.
Me: *stare*
Me: I got this. Remember the last ones? Hello? I made them?
Ed: Oh. OH. RIGHT.
Me: I got the baking and the sauces and the marinade. You got the rubbing and smoking of the meats.

*beat*

*beat*

Ed: Oh… my…
Me: Yeah…
Ed & Me: *falling out laughing*

Ball Rash?

Crickett and I were chatting about how my diet is going and I mentioned that my thighs were no longer applauding me as I walked through the house, but they still rubbed together at the top. We were commiserating about rashes due to the rubbing and how shorts suck. In walks Ed, just staring at us.

Crickett: Dude, do your balls sweat and get a rash when they rub together?
Ed: …
Crickett: You know, when they rub together?
Ed: Do you even ball?
Crickett: So, do they?
Ed: Do you even ball, bro?!?! *ball cupping hand motions*
Me: *gasping for breath laughing*
Crickett: *walks out to get her laundry*
Ed: Seriously, what the fuck?
Me: *still wheezing and gasping*
Crickett, from the hallway: So, are you saying that you DO get a ball rash?

Sir Dicksalot

Crickett to Ed: Dick!
Me: Don’t call him that! It’s his birthday. It’s SIR Dick.
Ed: YEAH!
Crickett: Sir Dicksalot.
Ed: I can live with that.
Crickett walks out.
Ed: Dicks everywhere.
Me: I’m Facebooking this.
Ed: Oh god, it’ll start the whole bear thing again with some of my friends.
Me: They got money? I can live with that. Mama needs a new house!

NUTS!

Crickett and I are sitting at the table talking to Ed while he’s cooking, and she notices a bowl of peanuts…

Crickett: “NUTS!!! I’m going to eat your nuts!”
Ed: “Oh.My.God.”
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Permission

Eddie picked up Ainsley for our holiday time with her. With her brother Chris and my Zach in town, her normal pile of gifts was even bigger. She came in and ran up to me with big hugs and wished me a Merry Christmas, ignoring the pile of gifts left under the tree for her.

After opening all of her gifts, I asked her if she knew what Daddy had given me and showed her my ring.

Ainsley: It’s so beautiful!
Me: Do you know what this means?
Ainsley: No? Me: Daddy and I are engaged.
Ainsley: *blank stare*
Me: He asked me to marry him.
Ainsley: *big smile*
Me: Ainsley, do I have your permission to marry your daddy?
Ainsley: *huge smile* YES!

She then smothered me in hugs and love. So, yeah, the six year old is good with this. My life is good.

Religious Experience

A group of friends was over for noms…

Friend: I’m having a religious experience at Cristina’s house.
Me: Heh. We even have Jesus all up in this bitch.

(It should be noted that another friend of ours looks like Jesus.)

Chicken Pot Pie

Me, looking at the timer on the oven: An hour?!? Cook fast, I’m dying!
Mr. Smartypants Ed: Do you think you’ll be dead before it’s done?
Me: Yes, I’m dying!
Mr. SoNotGettingAnyTonight: Oh, good. More for me!

*beat*

Mr. OhShitIFuckedUp: I’m a horrible boyfriend.
Me: Yes, yes you are.

Princess

Ed, whilst complaining that the grill charred his chicken: I’m thinking of switching to charcoal.
Me, the MOTHERF’ING PRINCESS who doesn’t like to mess with charcoal: You shut your mouth!

He laughed.

My response? “YOU THERE!!” with the rest left unsaid because he knew, he knew.

Hydrating

Whilst I was working out…

Crickett: Want me to work out with you?
Me: *stepping off treadmill* Sure!
Crickett: *getting on treadmill* Oh nice hydrating liquid, Mom!
Me: *staring at a bottle of Raging Bitch* What? It’s perfect!
Crickett: Yeah, raging bitch…