I’ve had a few people ask me about this recently, and given all the posts I have running about it, it’s no wonder. So let’s go into it a bit, shall we?

Codependency has as many definitions as you can imagine, and there are several patterns of codependent behavior that can manifest. One such defines it as a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. Patterns of codependency generally fall into four categories: denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and control. A codependent person will manifest patterns of more than one of the categories, and very often, all four.

There is argument between scholars as to whether or not it is a disorder or a disease, such as alcoholism. Being a layperson, I can’t really say either way. All I can talk about is what it is to me, how it manifests, and how it has shaped my life.

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Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Working the first three steps was, relatively speaking, a piece of cake. The fourth step involves a bit more preparation and work as I ready myself to take an inventory of my patterns and habits. As I work through this, I have seen some patterns that are more easily broken than others, and some that will take years to fully work through.

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Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Wow, what a concept, yes? To believe that there is such an entity and that such an entity can restore us. What an amazing thing to be able to have! And yet, even with my belief in a higher power, I have struggled with this in ways that you would not believe.

It is not that I do not believe in a higher power, I do. It is not that I do not believe that She can restore me, I do. It is that I often find myself wholly unworthy of such a restoration. I have believed, for most of my life, that I am unworthy of true love, unworthy of redemption.

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We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.

That, my friends, is the hardest step to take. For someone who has lived their life as I have, to admit that no matter how hard I want to, I cannot change another person, is near impossible. I have spent all of my life believing that if I loved someone enough, they would love me in return. If I were good enough, they would view me as someone of value and worth. If they had problems, those were obviously my problems, my cause, my fault.

Others problems are not mine and I can’t make anyone love me. You can’t make anyone do that. If you spend enough time trying to, you’ll find that all you do is frustrate yourself. You’ll find yourself angry and alienated. Life is too short. Way too short.

I am of value, and I have worth. Today, I love myself enough. My goal this week is to wake up each morning and repeat that to myself. To make it a part of my daily routine, as much as that first morning cuppa joe.

I will thrive, and I will flourish. I have been blessed by the Goddess. I am starlight.

I haven’t posted since my post Christmas bitching, and I didn’t respond to the last comment left (no, Maven, I don’t think you are a bad person at all, I just found my buttons being pushed that day in a big way…) because we’ve been celebrating our holiday finally.

Mr. Knowitall, my oldest, came home with Cricket and Gothboy for a couple of weeks and I’ve been spending as much time with him as both of our psyches can allow. It has been, if nothing else, extremely emotionally draining on both of us.

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