That word, does it cause conflict inside of you?

Do you stare at it and wonder what it is asking of you? Is it asking you to give in? To roll over? To give up and let yourself be lost?

Maybe.

But for me that one word, those few letters, mean the difference between hope and hopelessness. Between sanity and insanity. Between a future of happiness and a past of pain.

Surrender.

Today I did something I wasn’t sure I’d have the courage to do. It was very painful, and it dredged up a lot of memories I’d rather have let fall away. But it was something that I needed to do, felt compelled to do. And once that thing was done, once the shame had passed and the burning of my tears faded away, I surrendered.

I carefully wrapped up all of the bits and pieces of that thing and tied them up in a neat little package. I gave that package to the Universe and let it take over. I have done my part, I have paid my price. What will come now is not up to me, I give it all away.

I surrender.

To the will, the desire, of God, the Universe, the Great Mother… to whatever.

It is no longer my burden to carry.

I am free.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft

I picked this up at Borders on Sunday and have been reading it nightly.  It’s absolutely frightening how many things I recognize.  There are a few things that don’t apply, of course, but reading it had me shaking at first.  The first day I picked it up, I skimmed through it, and was completely shocked to see my life being described down to the tiniest detail.  I literally had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from crying out, “Oh my god, how did you KNOW?”

Mr. Bancroft (yeah, it’s not some “feminist propoganda”, you jerk) has worked with literally thousands of abusive men and their partners and provides some amazing insight into how their minds work.  The most important thing I’ve taken away from this book thus far is that it’s -not- caused by substance abuse, no matter what we’d like to tell ourselves.  Substance abuse may facilitate it, but alcohol or drugs will not make a non-abusive person become abusive.  Period.

The addict (be it alcohol or drugs) who is abusive needs to address both issues in order to have any truly meaningful change.  The sad part is, the recovery rate for abusive addicts is rather low.

The only good part of that is the knowledge, and we need to tell ourselves this as many times as it takes, that there was never anything we could do to stop it.  There was no amount of compassion and help we could give to make it better.  It wasn’t going to change, and it was never our fault.

If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship and were left wondering what the hell you did wrong, please pick this book up and read it.  It will really help.

During the last few months or so of my life, I’ve had to learn a very hard lesson. It’s been difficult, and there have been days when I thought I could take no more, but mostly, the lesson has been important.

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I’ve had a few people ask me about this recently, and given all the posts I have running about it, it’s no wonder. So let’s go into it a bit, shall we?

Codependency has as many definitions as you can imagine, and there are several patterns of codependent behavior that can manifest. One such defines it as a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. Patterns of codependency generally fall into four categories: denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and control. A codependent person will manifest patterns of more than one of the categories, and very often, all four.

There is argument between scholars as to whether or not it is a disorder or a disease, such as alcoholism. Being a layperson, I can’t really say either way. All I can talk about is what it is to me, how it manifests, and how it has shaped my life.

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Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Working the first three steps was, relatively speaking, a piece of cake. The fourth step involves a bit more preparation and work as I ready myself to take an inventory of my patterns and habits. As I work through this, I have seen some patterns that are more easily broken than others, and some that will take years to fully work through.

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Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Wow, what a concept, yes? To believe that there is such an entity and that such an entity can restore us. What an amazing thing to be able to have! And yet, even with my belief in a higher power, I have struggled with this in ways that you would not believe.

It is not that I do not believe in a higher power, I do. It is not that I do not believe that She can restore me, I do. It is that I often find myself wholly unworthy of such a restoration. I have believed, for most of my life, that I am unworthy of true love, unworthy of redemption.

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We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.

That, my friends, is the hardest step to take. For someone who has lived their life as I have, to admit that no matter how hard I want to, I cannot change another person, is near impossible. I have spent all of my life believing that if I loved someone enough, they would love me in return. If I were good enough, they would view me as someone of value and worth. If they had problems, those were obviously my problems, my cause, my fault.

Others problems are not mine and I can’t make anyone love me. You can’t make anyone do that. If you spend enough time trying to, you’ll find that all you do is frustrate yourself. You’ll find yourself angry and alienated. Life is too short. Way too short.

I am of value, and I have worth. Today, I love myself enough. My goal this week is to wake up each morning and repeat that to myself. To make it a part of my daily routine, as much as that first morning cuppa joe.

I will thrive, and I will flourish. I have been blessed by the Goddess. I am starlight.