In a post on Facebook earlier today, I noted that I have a hard time with a mindset that harbors unresolved anger.  Which, for me, is very odd, because in the past, I’ve had no problem harboring secret dreams of revenge or feelings of ill will towards others.  I’ve struggled with it on and off all of my life.  Something about having a very close brush with death changed that, though.  I simply can’t find it within myself to be angry for very long.  Even when someone deserves said anger.

This thinking led to a very simple concept in my mind.  I simply don’t give a damn.  There’s nothing that important that I have to hold on to it and let it poison my own mind or heart.  I’ve attempted to move through the world with an open heart, but sometimes I would get bogged down with the details.  I can’t seem to do that these days, the details are just… meh.  The negative details, that is.

Read the rest of this entry »

On August 8, I was admitted to the hospital with a badly fractured femur and other assorted injuries.  All the result of a very nasty motorcycle accident.  On August 9, I underwent surgery to repair my femur.  My stay in the hospital lasted until August 12, at which point I was begging to be released.

Read the rest of this entry »

Misogyny: hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women.

You don’t think about it, you never do. The subtle little ways that they let you know that they hate you. You accept it as normal, the status quo; it’s so much a part of your every day life that you simply don’t see it.

Except when you do.

Read the rest of this entry »

Note: yes, this is two blog posts in a day.  Don’t get all excited, it’s a rare event, and not likely to happen again any time soon.

One of the things you pick up in Anonymous groups (I’m not talking about the Internet Hate Machine, don’t start hatin’), is that you are supposed to submit your will to God.  God, god, Goddess, goddess, whatever, the god of your understanding.  Sort of difficult when one is for all intents and purposes an atheist, wouldn’t you say?

Read the rest of this entry »

All right, all right… I get it.  I haven’t posted much on any of the social networking sites, and I’ve gotten several inquiries as to my whereabouts and well being.  Well, my whereabouts are easy.  I’m in Leesburg, people.  LEESBURG.

As you’ve no doubt heard me grouse about before, my previous residence had two major issues.  One being that it was pretty much a given that any time it rained steadily for several days, my family room became the indoor swimming pool.  The second issue was the lack of response or concern on the part of the landlord.  Even an independent woman like me can only take so much before she contemplates tossing herself off the side of the American Legion Bridge on the way home from work.

Read the rest of this entry »

Someone used to say to me, after a particularly bad night finding me begging for a death that was far more preferable to the life I was living, that it wasn’t his fault, he had been painted into a corner.  As my journey in life takes me to new places, I find a bit of validity in those words.  With a minor edit; I have painted myself into a corner.

And so, here I am, in a different place now, or rather, preparing to be in a different place.  A bump in the road, perhaps, but a steep little bump at that.  The things I dreamed about, believed in, I realize are gone… again.  Today is where I exist; this place, this time.  With all the anticipation and dread that comes with it.

I find myself staring into a vast unknown, filled with more unease than I have felt in a great many years.  I’ve been through hell and back again, I’ve survived so much, and there are days when I am so tired.  But this latest adventure, if I can call it such, I have no one to blame but my own damn self.

I relaxed where I should not have, believed where there was nothing worthy of such faith, and allowed myself to get far too comfortable in a life that was never truly mine.  Again.

I’d say that I’ve learned my lesson, but the truth is, I haven’t.  I’ll do it again.  Over and over again.  I’ll believe in the happy ever after, because in this world, honestly, that belief is all I have left.  I’ll trust that the world won’t be so brutal, and when it is, I’ll sit quietly and lick my wounds and dream of better days.  And then I’ll get up and do it all over again.

I will giggle and laugh, I will find humor in the oddest places, and I will survive this newest change.  Perhaps I may not laugh as loud for awhile, and perhaps you might notice my eyes a little shinier than usual (it’s dust, I swear!), but I will land on my feet.

I will still believe in happy ever after when I come out of the other side of the rabbit hole.  There is nothing that will ever take that away from me; but for now, happy ever after seems so very far away.  Sometimes I resent the hell out of that, but this time, I did it to myself.

I’m walking into this thing with eyes wide open; maybe there’s a shimmer of belief left, maybe that shimmer just got up and walked away, but either way, I think I know exactly what I’m doing.  I think…

Several of my friends have expressed concern about the move I’m making, knowing me as they do and knowing how fragile that black little thing in my chest truly is, but I’ll remind them again of the promise I made to myself…

I’m going to love like I’ve never been hurt.

I keep holding my finger over the publish button on my match.com profile. To activate or keep de-activated, that is the question. On the one hand, I’m paying for it, you know? On the other hand, is it even worth the time?

Thus far from my adventures on Match, I’ve received one thoroughly broken (as in shattered, destroyed) heart, two really good friends, and a couple of acquaintances that I enjoy talking to from time to time. The friends and acquaintances? Good. Broken heart? Yeah, you can keep that.

Read the rest of this entry »

With several million souls residing in the Metro DC area, one would think that after several years, a single woman would meet a decent guy in this joint.  Or, more appropriately, a guy I am sufficiently interested in that is sufficiently interested in me.

This is not to say I haven’t met decent guys, I have.  The problem that I’ve run into is that I always meet them at the wrong time.  Usually right about the time I’m escaping from one bad relationship or another.  Needless to say, that tends to be disastrous.  I’m still licking my wounds and they are wanting to go on long walks on the beach.  Hi, licking my wounds over here, lemme alone!  And the good ones, they go on their way, knowing you aren’t ready, while the bad ones pursue you, hoping your lack of clear sight will make their path into your bed easier.

I have had, for the most part of my adult life, a bad tendency to go from one relationship to another, with no time in between to truly heal from the pain and the loss of what I thought was love - hell, the blog archives will testify to that little factoid right there.  And as the new relationship begins to take on aspects of the old relationship, I chastise myself for having gotten involved again too soon.  Apparently, after chastising myself and beating myself soundly about the head and heart, I finally got the message.

Read the rest of this entry »

The beginning of the week is -not- supposed to make me feel like I’m dragging ass already!  I want a recount, this cannot possibly be Monday.  Maybe Thursday, and tomorrow is Friday.  Ah, to dream.

The lovely Goddess is getting ready to start a new journey, and I am more envious than you know.  The prospect of just picking up, packing up, and starting fresh has never been more appealing than it is right now.  But I made a commitment to my daughter to stay right where we are until she graduates, and I intend on keeping my word.

Although… (yeah you saw that coming, didn’t you?) if I were to, say, find a job within driving distance of her father, I bet she’d take me up on it.  And driving distance from her father is about 1000 miles from here.  Oddly enough, right around the same area that Goddess is relocating to.

Possibilities?  Perhaps.  Rather interesting that I keep finding these reasons, and enticements, to return to the state I came from.  I’m not especially homesick, having run from Florida as fast as I could once the opportunity presented itself.  But I am… something.  I don’t know what.  Ready for a change of my own?  Yeah, ready for a change of my own.  And while I doubt that change is going to be a move back to the land of sunshine and warm breezes, it is nice to think about from time to time.

Tonight I believe I’m going to just shut the thinking machine off and curl up with my book, and later Heros, for awhile.  I don’t believe a whole lot in things being “meant to be” or anything these days, but I think that when the time is right, an opportunity will arise that I won’t be able to say no to.

I won’t actively seek it for now, but I’ll certainly know it if I happen to accidentally walk into it.

Oh, and Monday?  Shape up, bitch.  You are making me crazy.

I know I neglect this little blog, and my friends on here, and for that I do apologize. I’ve had quite a lot going on in my little corner of the world. My last blog was rather vague in what I was dealing with, but at the time I was still in a state of shock after a conversation with my doctor. Now that I’ve gotten used to what is going on, I’ve come to somewhat accept it and have turned to making random jokes about it. I presume that most of the people who read this know what’s going on, but just in case, here we go…

Read the rest of this entry »