As mentioned previously, I had to go in for a long over due looksee at the lungs recently. If you haven’t been here awhile here’s the short version: I found out, quite by accident, a couple of years ago that I am in the beginning stages of emphysema. Mmmm… yummy.

For quite a while, I had continued to not smoke and exercise, but stress earlier this year pushed me over the edge and I found myself lighting up more often than not. With my move over the summer, I found myself having trouble catching my breath a bit more frequently than in the past. After a bit of procrastination, I made an appointment with my doctor and we scheduled an afternoon of fun and excitement at the local imaging center.

This morning I arrived at work to see my voice mail light dutifully blinking at me (yes, sadly, even the devil’s daughter is oft times forced to maintain a semblance of normalcy and have a job.) The good news is that there has been no change in my lungs since my last scan. And as long as I can keep that up, I’ll be around to rant and rave for centuries to come.

Okay, maybe not so much the crazy life, but certainly the hectic one!

Got home from my wonderful weekend at the beach only to spend Monday morning at the DMV. Joy of joys. I’ll spare you the boring details, suffice it to say working knowledge of the DMV computer system does not appear to be a pre-requisite for employment. Neither does the ability to listen and comprehend what is being said to you. Bah.

I began taking Wellbutrin on Monday as well. I’m preparing for yet another go around at the big quit. I tried so hard last time. Okay, maybe not so hard, but I tried dammit! According to my lovely PCP, I need to take this stuff for two weeks before attempting to quit again. Then I need to cover my body in nicotine patches, and stay away from smokers. This last part is not possible. Blah. For the next three weeks I’ll be dizzy and slightly nauseous as my body gets used to the Wellbutrin. Good times.

In other mundane news, I get to have cat scans on my lungs again. Oh goody. I am not going to bitch and complain though, I brought this shit on myself. I know what my condition is and I light up one cigarette after another anyway. No one to blame but me.

The kids return on Friday, I get another year older on Sunday, and school kicks back in on Tuesday. My work schedule has kicked into high gear, and I may not see the light of day for the next two months.

Is it any wonder I smoke?

So I’m sitting here, pissy because I have no cigarettes and because I don’t want to be alone but I can’t be around all my smoking friends right now. How do I fix this?

Retail therapy, baybee!

Trotted my hiney up to Linens N Things last night and bought all new bedding. When I came home I unpacked my room and put all my stuff away. You would not believe how much of a girl I am when it comes to my room! Mostly my house is not so girly (shut up about the baskets, it is NOT!), but my room? Wow. Teddy bears, Barbies (don’t even whisper it), and stuff. Girl stuff. Lots and lots of it. Baubles and shineys and sparklies, soft material and soft lighting, a nice warm place for me to hide.

I got everything put away, cleaned and polished, and washed all the new bedding. Tossed it on the bed and crawled between the softest sheets I have ever laid on. I eyed the 1000 thread count sheets, but at $150 for a set, I went for the 650 instead.

Oh.My.God. Chocolate colored pure heaven.

*sigh* Hey, I may be sleeping alone, but I’m sleeping in style dammit! I may never leave home again.

I should never say this out loud, but it’s true, okay? So just deal with it.

I do not generally make mistakes. I would say, simply, that I do not make mistakes, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve made at least one or two. Everyone does, right? I’m recalling this one time back in ‘99 that I really goofed up, so there ya go.

Here’s the thing though, when dealing with something that may potentially adversely affect our subscribers, I go out of my way to test, retest, and test some more to make sure that everything runs smoothly and there is no chance for interrupted service. It’s like, oh, I don’t know, mission critical.

Our vendor, OTOH, that handles our subscription fulfillment and login authentication, they seem to have no trouble jerking shit up so that our damn subscribers (who pay thousands upon thousands for this service, I might add) can’t access the gd services they are paying for.

Okay, so most of our subscribers have more money than they know what to do with, and the anarchist in me finds it really funny that they spend so much cash trying to figure out how to make more cash, but still. It’s a service that I’m responsible for them being able to access and when they can’t, you just KNOW who the first person to hear about it is. Okay, the third person, but damn.

I am so sick of dealing with a vendor who is making me look bad! Assholes!

I’m going to kick someone in the head now. Right after pulling off my nicotine patch and licking it several times.

*sigh*

I made it through yesterday without breaking down, caving in, and doing anything rash or foolish. I spent the night hooking up my dvd player (again!) and running cable all over the place to get the surround sound set up. I still need to tuck the cables in better and I desperately need some zip ties to clean up the mess behind the TV, but at least I’m not tripping over wires now!

I actually sat down for a little bit last night and watched television. How fucking weird! I haven’t really done that a hell of a lot in the last several months. I have my dvr set to record SG1 and Atlantis, and last night I finally watched the season premier of SG1. I am not a nerd, shut up!

Oh, and I ate cheesecake, which is always good for the soul. Not too much though, goddess only knows how much weight I’m going to gain just because I quit smoking, I’m not tempting fate.

I’m feeling a little better today, but I’d still really rather just say fuck it and light up. I can’t wait for the feeling to pass. My smoking pals at work are all pretty cool about me quitting, no wicked temptation or anything, but I still want to go outside with them 30 times a day and light up. Especially yesterday, what a nightmare!

I can do this, I’ve done it before. This time I will make it past a couple of years and make it permanent!

Update: It’s happening again! The problem at work yesterday that caused me to pull my hair out… AAAAIIIIEEEEE. I need a damn cigarette.

So today was a major project at work that yours truly has been preparing for for the last couple of weeks. Major code rollout that could potentially lead to a disaster if not properly handled.

I coded, tested, recoded, tested some more. As of this morning, I was doing more testing, Just In Case. (I am not anal, shut up!) So I review every line, I feel good and confident, I’m ready to go.

Conference call with the vendor, tell them I’m ready. They are ready. Push new code live.

*sigh*

Vendor is not so ready. Thousands of error messages flooding my inbox as subscribers (as in they paid for this service and by god they want it now!) attempt to login and are unable to. More tweaking on the vendor’s side. And finally, what should have been a 30 second roll out, is done and running after a lovely 45 minute downtime.

I want a cigarette so bad. I am not giving into temptation though, I am determined. Damn you nicotine! Damn you all to hell!

Update: Vendor sucks. The new code is on some servers, but not all, so guess what happens whenever their load balancers direct traffic to the servers without the new code? Assholes!

*sigh*

This morning I woke up, dragged my sleepy self downstairs, grabbed my pack of cigarettes and ran it under water. I stuck it in the garbage can, poured myself some coffee and reflected on the possibility of not having to stop to take breaks just walking up the stairs.

I quit a few years ago, and I think mostly I did okay with it. I found out, quite by accident while getting some pre-op testing done for some surgery, that I have begun developing emphysema. Nice, yes? One would think that that would be enough to keep me on a quit for the rest of my life. Sadly, no.

In the last three weeks I have noticed serious breathing issues, but I couldn’t seem to put the damn things down. There has been so much stress and so many trials this year, it’s just been really difficult. I’ve scolded myself a lot because there is nothing so bad that happens that it’s worth dying over, and killing myself with those things is most assuredly what I was doing.

I got the last of my belongings from the old house yesterday, made one last trip down memory lane, locked the door and drove away. What better time to quit smoking? The moving is done (except for that pesky unpacking thing) and the kids are in Florida for the next month. Limited (ha) stress, I hope
Wish me luck!