There are so many things you never saw, never knew, and will probably never know.

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Yesterday morning I put my son on a plane to Florida, after having booked a very last minute flight Monday night. It’s been a rough few weeks, and I know I’m supposed to be here having fun with you guys, but I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed. A great big thank you to Fran and Cathy for being my sounding boards over the last couple of weeks while I tried to work this all out. And, of course, to Jeff who has managed to figure out ways to get me to smile even when I’m in the middle of crying.

I didn’t want things to go this way, but it’s how it had to be. There’s a million things left unsaid and a million reasons why, but it’s just too hard to sit here and write it all down. Weird thing, that. I use this as a means of getting stuff out of my head. But in this particular situation, I can’t really seem to get myself to do it.

I don’t generally have a problem with making the details of my life public knowledge, even knowing that sometimes it’s read by people who have less than charitible feelings towards me. I’ve been extremely open and honest about my life, my own personal brand of crazy, the noise in my head, and everything in between. I write here to keep it all from overwhelming everything else in my life.

But, I think, not this. At least not right now, not while my heart is still bleeding all over the carpet and I just can’t seem to… well that’s a statement better left unsaid.

I need a vacation.

Okay, so I haven’t posted much recently, nor really replied to much. I’ve been busy. Well, busy is an understatement. Witness:

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My daughter will be 13 tomorrow.  So to celebrate, we are having a slumber party.

*sigh*

Yep, I’m currently holed up with a bunch of teenage girls squealing about who likes what boy, what boy is the cutest, and who has the best hair.

The worst part?

It was my suggestion.

Send coffee quick!  It’s going to be a long night!

The move is over. I officially have all of my shit. And yes, at this point, it’s all pretty much shit. *mumble*spit* I’m getting this insane urge to call Goodwill and have them come pick it up. The furniture, the boxes, the crap that I have no idea where to put or what it even is. Everything.

*sigh* But then I’d whine because I have no shit. No, I’m not in a shitty mood, shut up!

I have to go back to the old place this weekend, sand some patch jobs, do some touch up paint, and mow the damn yard. I’m so incredibly overjoyed about this that I can hardly contain myself. *middle finger to circumstances that caused me to move*

I still have to move all of my bedroom furniture around because yours truly felt it very important to put the headboard at *that* wall over there, and wouldn’t you just fucking know I’d bump my shin into my own damn dresser one too many times.

There are shelves to hang, pictures to hang, more shelves to buy (you wouldn’t believe how accustomed you get to built-ins until you don’t have them anymore!), boxes to unpack, things to put away, yard work to be done (this place is a mess!), and more gd boxes to unpack.

On the kittay front, landlord is kind enough to let them stay here until I can get them fostered. Gives me more time, but I still seem to have trouble placing them and time is something I seem very short on these days.

On the mommy overload front, the kids go to Florida on Friday. One glorious month without hearing “he’s touching me!” or “she’s looking at me!” I can’t begin to tell you how much I really need this break. I’ll miss them like hell, but I won’t miss the racket one little bit. And if one more person unhooks my damn dvd player to put their own in because they can’t figure out how to operate mine, I’m going to go completely postal. GAWD! Oh jeez, and I still have to properly run all the wires for the surround.

If I sit here too long, I can make a list of things to do that would make your head spin. One day, I’m going to come home from work, eat a salad, put my feet up with a bottle of wine, and say “Gee, I’m bored, I have nothing to do today.” I figure that’ll be sometime next year at this rate.

I’m going to take my lovely little pmsing self to bed. Where I shall sleep a thousand sleeps and dream of not waking up. Bitch is, as tired as I am, I won’t sleep at all.

Hope all is well in everyone’s world. It’s still goofy here, but it’s getting better.

Today’s grand adventure involved kayaks and rock walls. Yes, yours truly scaled a rock wall. I have the bruises to prove it!

The day started with a lovely drive through wine country and ended up just on the other side of the state line in the Shenandoah Valley in West Virginia. There was food aplenty and kayaking on the Shenandoah. Okay, I admit, not near even the slightest of rapids, but good upper body work all the same. I enjoyed the feel of the river beneath me, the sky above me, and the cool water splashing me as I happily paddled up and down our short stretch of river.

As I watched others gleefully scale the rock wall, I stayed back, thinking there was no way in hell that was about to become a part of my life. After a bit of cajoling, I finally allowed myself to be strapped in to a safety harness and up I went. Admittedly, this was the easy side of the wall, but I went up with no problems, no pauses, and no second tries. I have never done this before! After jumping down and going to massage my poor thighs from the beating they just took I found myself asking to be strapped in again and trying a harder side. I didn’t make it to the top, broke about three nails, bruised up my knees, but damn I had fun!

I think I just found a new hobby.

Okay, so like, you know, I went through this here break up thing right? Except, it’s still going on. We are still all tangled up financially, and I live in this house with his ghost flittering around (he took pretty much nothing but a few of his clothes and computer when he left). Dear Goddess, I’ve been trying like hell to get through this, but having such a hard time due to the memories in this place, his ghost refusing to leave, and just being so fucking tied to someone who … well, someone who I shouldn’t be tied to.

Anyway, so here I am, living in this overpriced house, wondering how I’m going to make ends meet. Hell, if I could get them to just wave at each other it’d be a miracle! Been house hunting like you wouldn’t believe, but rentals are crazy in this area. I promised my kids I wouldn’t move them to another school district since we’ve only been here a year. We were in the last place only two years (one day this whole insane story is going to be written), and the thought of having to move to new schools again sends them into emotional seizures.

Today, my realtor sends me a link to review four places. And the first one on the list? Perfect. It could not be more perfect if I had listed everything I need and handed it to someone and said, “Here you go, hook me up.” The catch? It’s available now, and the lease here doesn’t end until July 31. It’s a rare owner that will wait for your happy ass to move in. If they’ll wait, I’m set. I’ll give them the deposit now, maybe even first month’s rent if that’s what it takes, and viola, one less thing for Sabre to stress over.

One step closer to a place of my own, with no ghosts to haunt me, no broken promises to cut me, no memories to sting me. A place where my kids are still in the same school district, my four legged children are welcome, and a rent I can afford. But mostly, a place with no ghosts.

Think good thoughts for us.

I went to the grocery store this morning, at the request of my daughter, and did some basic grocery shopping. While there, I noticed all of the dads out with the kids, picking up flowers and other small tokens of affection. I was touched and moved, and feeling rather disconnected and saddened that no one was doing any such thing for me. I returned home, feeling somewhat small and insignificant in the great celebration of motherhood.

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I swear to all that is sacred, some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed and drag your happy ass to the office. You’ll only get an emergency phone call to come get your child who will need to be on suicide watch all weekend.

So, as should be obvious, I have a teenager in crisis and do not expect to be online other than AIM for the remainder of the week. I’ll try to post an update over the weekend, but I’m so stressed I can barely type.

Here’s to all of you out there, I hope your week wraps up better than mine has. If not, meet me on Monday evening and we’ll all go on a three day drinking binge together and head to brighter skies.

Overheard conversation…

Cricket is on the phone, talking her face off to one of her friends. Or, rather, I should say, to one of Gothboy’s friends. Gothboy’s girlfriend, Gothgirl. Cricket is yammering in her Cricket style fashion, which consists of a lot of “like” and “you know” and “no way!” presented in rapid fire succession in a way only tween and teen girls can fully comprehend.

In between all the “like” and “you know”, I hear the following…

Cricket, in a singsong voice: Hey Gothboy…
Gothboy, in a leave me the hell alone voice: What?
Cricket, still singsong: Gothgirl says she loves you. *giggle*
Gothboy, lowering his voice an octave but no longer sounding annoyed: I love her too.
Cricket: *giggle*
Sabre: AAAIIIEEEEE!

And there, with no trumpets and no fanfare, went all of my delusions that one of my sons would stay a little boy.