Note: yes, this is two blog posts in a day.  Don’t get all excited, it’s a rare event, and not likely to happen again any time soon.

One of the things you pick up in Anonymous groups (I’m not talking about the Internet Hate Machine, don’t start hatin’), is that you are supposed to submit your will to God.  God, god, Goddess, goddess, whatever, the god of your understanding.  Sort of difficult when one is for all intents and purposes an atheist, wouldn’t you say?

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I know I neglect this little blog, and my friends on here, and for that I do apologize. I’ve had quite a lot going on in my little corner of the world. My last blog was rather vague in what I was dealing with, but at the time I was still in a state of shock after a conversation with my doctor. Now that I’ve gotten used to what is going on, I’ve come to somewhat accept it and have turned to making random jokes about it. I presume that most of the people who read this know what’s going on, but just in case, here we go…

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A friend introduced me to a bunch of his acquaintances last night. There’s a terribly long and funny story to tell, but sadly, I can’t say a lot of it online. It was a great night, with a lot of laughing and a feeling of being immediately accepted by some genuinely interesting people.

So after meeting all of these people in a nice little place in Gaithersburg, we were invited back to someone’s house, and me, being in the mood to do nothing but have a good time, begged and pleaded with my friend to take me there. After an awkward moment wherein we accidentally walked in on a man being… *ahem*… serviced… the night progressed rather nicely. I drank a little wine, conversed about the best places for steaks, and had a great conversation with our host who wondered if I’d be interested in being the new High Priestess for his Wiccan coven. My partner in crime is pretty insistent that what they really want is for me to be their Goddess, but wevs
My faith has been floundering for a very long time. Several years of ongoing romantic heartbreak has made me quite cynical and my belief in deity has waned to near atheistic levels. But standing in that house, and then outside in the beautiful circle with a gorgeous altar, brought a lot of old feelings back for me. The belief that maybe there is something out there after all, and maybe it’s not as cold and unforgiving as I have felt lately, has been tickling at the edges of my mind.

Who knows what tomorrow holds. But I do believe that meeting these people was critical, the nudge my battered heart needed to find the faith that I’ve long since abandoned.

Random horoscope for Virgo today:

You have the rather sophisticated ability to accept people as they are. Find the soft place in your heart that can embrace someone who is wired differently (oh, so differently) from the way you are.

Find the soft place in my heart? Clearly the writer of this bit has never met me. My whole heart is one big mushy soft place. ‘Cept when it’s not. Either way, some days this stuff amuses me to no end.

So the weekend went from bad, to mind boggling horrific, to better, to good, and then back to bad again. The final bad was based on my own stupidity - Sabres should not mix liquor with their beer and wine when they haven’t eaten a bite and are on emotional roller coasters… lest Sabres fall down and hurt their wee domes. And be dragged to the one place they hate the most to have staples put in their precious heads.

*sigh* I don’t have a rational reason for my abject fear of ERs. Well, I do, but it’s private and I can’t explain it. Suffice it to say that I hate the hospital so incredibly much, and given the amount of alcohol running around in me, I was not surprised to be told the next day that I was an absolute bitch to the people there. I was intoxicated and terrified. Yeah, I can see how I may have been a bitch. I can handle my fear of hospitals when I’m sober, not so much when I’m into my cups. However, I have witnesses that will attest to my good humor when I’m not, as Robi just so succinctly put it, tore up from the floor up.

My stove still is not operational, and I’ve been informed that no one will be out to take care of it till tomorrow. Yay.

My hands have been shaking since Friday night and I can’t seem to make them stop. Double yay.

There’s a great disturbance in the Force (hardy har) and I’m sitting here holding my breath, waiting to exhale. I should not have driven into the office, but I had things I needed that I couldn’t access from home. Contemplating a cab home - but damn that’ll be one hell of a fare! I’ll just suck it up and go when it’s time.

A comment on the previous post inquired as to whether or not I’ve smudged my house lately. I haven’t, I should. But, as with so many other things, I have once again lost my faith. I’m treading water, barely holding on, and my faith is the furthest thing away from me.

Maybe a good old fashioned smudging and cleaning ritual is exactly what I need to reacquaint myself with my spirituality.

I’ll look into that. Right after I exhale.

Just looked at the posted time… 3:33. 3 has always been my lucky number. Maybe that’s a fortuitous sign.

Posted with no f’ing comment:

You are probably correct in your thinking today, but you could create harm if others aren’t ready to hear what you have to say. Discretion is necessary so your words can be delivered at the most effective time. You’ll need more than facts to convince anyone to join you. Others need to feel understood and you won’t receive their support until you let them know that you care about their feedback.

Okay, maybe one comment… When am I never correct in my thinking?! It’s the doing that gets me! The hell?

Logic, rational thought, and common sense were run over and killed. They will be missed.

*sigh*

I really need to stop reading the news and become one of those people who just doesn’t give a damn. How do I do that? Any ideas?

Blessed Solstice, my friends.

Merry we shall meet
Merry we shall part
And merry we shall meet again.

Blessed be.

Representative Steve King (Repug-IA) is sponsoring this insanity:

H. Res. 847: Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith

First Amendment, motherfucker!

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

Treaty of Tripoli, bitch!

Article 11: “As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquillity, of Mussulmen; and, as the said States never entered into any war, or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties, that no pretext arising from religious opinions, shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.”

Who elects these assholes? Seriously, own up to it, because I’m coming to your house and kicking your fucking ass.

That word, does it cause conflict inside of you?

Do you stare at it and wonder what it is asking of you? Is it asking you to give in? To roll over? To give up and let yourself be lost?

Maybe.

But for me that one word, those few letters, mean the difference between hope and hopelessness. Between sanity and insanity. Between a future of happiness and a past of pain.

Surrender.

Today I did something I wasn’t sure I’d have the courage to do. It was very painful, and it dredged up a lot of memories I’d rather have let fall away. But it was something that I needed to do, felt compelled to do. And once that thing was done, once the shame had passed and the burning of my tears faded away, I surrendered.

I carefully wrapped up all of the bits and pieces of that thing and tied them up in a neat little package. I gave that package to the Universe and let it take over. I have done my part, I have paid my price. What will come now is not up to me, I give it all away.

I surrender.

To the will, the desire, of God, the Universe, the Great Mother… to whatever.

It is no longer my burden to carry.

I am free.