Earlier this year when my daughter returned home from spending time with her father and his family, she informed me that she wanted to become Christian. This was not a completely unexpected surprise, as my ex-husband’s family are very much evangelical Christians. In fact, this generally happens every time she comes home from time there, but usually fades within a few weeks. This time, not so much.

Being a person of an open mind, and a belief that one’s path to one’s understanding of God is personal, I found myself in quite a predicament. On the one hand, dictating another’s personal path is not within me; on the other hand, through my own personal experience, I have found many Christian denominations to be the absolute epitome of the evil they claim to be saving the world from. In short, I was very conflicted with how to handle the situation.

In the end, logic and reason, with a dash of sanity and compassion, won out. I spent a lot of time talking with my daughter about the positive aspects of religion, as well as the negative aspects. I worked a deal with her, in which she could follow the path that her heart and soul called her to, provided she let me continue to follow mine without badgering or belittling. I also explained to her very clearly that according to the church she wished to become a part of, I, her mother, was surely destined for hell as I do not, and will not, accept any outside of myself as my personal savior. And that I’m perfectly at peace with that, so let’s just leave it be.

A friend of hers invited her to youth group one night, and it all fell into place after that. She began putting a lot of time into her church activities. Youth group, Sunday services, Sunday school, extra activities, the works. I must admit that I am impressed with her desire to truly experience her new found faith and be as involved as possible. And, I’ll also admit that Episcopalian is not a bad choice. Had it been Baptist or Pentecostal, well, I can imagine the conversations would have flowed a lot differently.

And then time, as time does, flowed forward. She began asking about being baptized. I admit, I twitched. I struggled. But in the end, I followed my conscious and supported her decision.

On Sunday morning, I woke up at 7:30 and climbed in the shower. I stood there with the water flowing over me and prayed for guidance and strength. See, you must understand, my distaste for Christianity is based on my own upbringing, and the fact that as a child the Catholic church, and the Christian god, failed me. Badly. As a child, I begged and pleaded, prayed and submitted, did everything they told me to do, and still there was no escape. I asked the church for help, and was told that those sort of things should never be discussed. I begged God, I begged Jesus, I begged Mary. And still, no escape. My life was a living hell, and that was where God appeared to want me to be. At 14, the church asked me to leave. And while I have not been officially ex-communicated, I am not allowed communion. No matter how many confessions, I am never allowed communion again. So, you know, fuck you. I don’t want to eat the flesh of your false idol anyway. I simply wish to be left alone.

And so, I prayed to the god of my own understanding, to the ancient mother, for serenity and strength because Episcopalian is basically Catholic-lite. Less Mary, more jeans. Please, let there be no triggers that will send me back into time, into a place where even Sabres fear to tread. Let nothing happen that will remind me of that hell, and if it does, please let me be able to face it with my head high and remember that I am not that child anymore and no one can ever hurt me that way again. Please and thank you and let’s get through this, shall we?

We arrived at the church and I spent some time talking with the parents of her friend and was then introduced to Father Rob. A very interesting and dynamic man, but the internal jury is still out on him. He explained what they would be doing, and what role he would like me to take. As I walked into the church, I fully expected a little bit of thunder or lightning, the Christian god showing his distaste for the Devil’s Daughter coming into his sanctuary. It would have been funny at the very least, but nothing.

The service was as expected, a lot of rote ritualization that I still have memorized from my childhood. And then came the moment, where I placed the spiritual growth of my youngest child into the hands of others. I doubt they had any true realization of what my tears actually meant. Afterwards, my daughter participated in communion for the first time in her life. She asked me to join her, but I quietly told her that while I support her choice and path, I do not share her faith. And so I merely watched her, this beautiful young girl raised with the concept of female divinity, of the beauty inherent in women, consume the spiritual flesh of a god who failed me.

I cannot describe that moment for you, words fail me.

After the service, I had a quick cup of coffee, socialized briefly with a couple of folks I know from around the community, and silently made my escape. I was, of course, invited to come back. But I think we all know the answer to that.

I will admit that there is certainly a void in my life at present. There is within me a deep aching that I cannot articulate very well. But that emptiness cannot be filled by a religion that I find alien. There is no room for me in Christianity, and there is no room for it within me. But I pray that it serves my daughter and does not fail her. If it does, there will be hell to pay.

No, really… read it.

*ahem*

No comment other than a hearty guffaw, a rolling of the eyes, and a deep sigh of sadness at the state of the world.

Yesterday’s was darn funny, considering.  I asked for help on a particular project, and was pretty much blown off.  So, I did it my damn self.  Go me!

Although you may be uncertain about your feelings, you still have something to lean on. That something is you. If you want to get work accomplished now, you’ll need to rely on your own practical and efficient manner to do it. Your integrity has come through for you on other occasions and it will again today.

Today’s?  Ehn.  Wevs.

Just because you know where you are going doesn’t mean that you know the best way to get there. You want to be practical because you know that can help, yet it’s difficult to focus your attention on the details now, no matter how important they may be to your strategy. Allow yourself to meander through your imagination for a couple more days before trying to force a decision.

I do so know the best way to get there!  Today I’m being practical -and- attentive to detail.  And, I’m ahead of schedule.  So there!

I’m currently trying to make a bagel magically manifest on my desk.

So far, no luck.

As many times as I’ve been accused of being an evil witch, one would think that I’d be able to put the skills to work for me. But noooooo, no bagel for moi.

Bah!

I have almost, just almost, gotten used to the fact that Tetris tends to be able to figure out what I’m thinking when I’m quiet. As we all know, quietness from my side of the table is rare. I am, in short, quite the chatterbox.

Hey, I have a lot to say!

I’ve also just about gotten used to the fact that he can also finish sentences for me, and tends to be able to understand the half human gibberish that comes out when I’m excited about something. It still makes me smile though, not a lot of people get what I’m saying.

Which is not to say he understands me perfectly, because that would be impossible. There are still communication miscues, especially when a lot of my personal inside jokes are movie quotes from movies that he’s never seen. Which, of course, explains why I find them to be the height of hilarity and he finds them to be confusing at best.

It’s all part and parcel of living together, I suppose.

What I have not gotten used to, and probably never will, is well, hell, I’m not sure how to describe this, so I’ll just tell you what happened.

The other night I was having a very vivid, very violent dream. I’m not going into details, it disturbed me greatly and I woke up in tears. In my dream, right before waking up, I turned to the woman that I had just cut down from a tree and asked, “Are people so bad because the world is messed up, or is the world messed up because people are so bad?”

It was a chicken/egg sort of question that chases its own tail and cannot be answered definitively. But when I woke, I went over and over it in my head, asking the question, trying to find the answer.

After a few minutes of navel contemplation and calming myself down, I decided to just forget it and just rejoin the world of the dreaming. I rolled over to began running through happy fields of flowers in my mind in an attempt to go back to sleep.

Just as I was beginning to enter that magical world between wakefulness and sleeping, Tetris started twitching and kicking violently at the sheets. He appeared to be having a bad dream of his own, so I rolled over to try and calm him. As I wrapped myself around him, he stopped twitching, but started talking (he doesn’t talk much when awake, but chatters his fool head off when he’s sleeping).

I tend to not put a lot of stock in what people say when they are sleeping. Our dreams are a mangled mess of images and sensory overload that mean little to anyone but ourselves. But when he very clearly said, “People are just bad,” I very nearly jumped out of my skin.

Hey, you! Out of my head!

Today’s (horror)scope:

Although you can feel the fiery buzz of enthusiasm, you aren’t sure that everything is right. You are still somewhat cautious and could vote to wait a little longer before pushing the “just do it” button. This is a familiar dynamic. If anyone thinks that you are being too picky, just remind them that your analytical skills have proven valuable in the past.

You hear that, people?  My anal*giggle*ytical skills serve me well!  I’ll be as picky as I want!  So there!

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each others dreams, we can be together all the time.
- Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes)

Nothing happens unless first we dream.
- Carl Sandburg

There is nothing like a dream to create the future.
- Victor Hugo

When you cease to dream you cease to live.
- Malcolm S. Forbes

I’ve dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas: they’ve gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind.
- Emily Bronte

I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
- Henry David Thoreau

There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream–whatever that dream might be.
- Pearl S. Buck

No one should negotiate their dreams. Dreams must be free to flee and fly high. No government, no legislature, has a right to limit your dreams. You should never agree to surrender your dreams.
- Jesse Jackson

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Some time ago, I wrote about serendipity, and about how things were starting to fall into place in my life. And, as I said then, my life has always been a series of threes, so I knew something else might be on the horizon, but I didn’t know what it would be.

I certainly didn’t expect what happened next.

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As a bare-footed, tree hugging, Goddess worshiper I get asked frequently this time of year why I even bother with the whole Christmas thing, seeing as I’m not Christian and I’m not looking for redemption. I could bore you with a lot of ancient history, and point you to a million sources of information on ye olde internets, but I’m pretty sure you can find it yourself if you are interested. What follows is the condensed version.

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Sometimes it is hard for me to appreciate the good things. I’m so busy looking for the things that hurt that I forget to see the things that make me smile. So, in no particular order, here are the things that made me smile today.

My children - oh you little animals! How little you know! You saved my life, and there is never anyway I can explain that to you more than that. Drew, there are no words, baby. You are one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met. Zach, no one else will ever understand me the way you do. Who else is going to listen to Stone Sour with me and totally get it? Cricket, wow, girl… without sounding cheesy, you are the sunshine of my life. You are the bright spot that makes all the darkness worthwhile. I love you all so much.

(Yeah, that was cheesy, but you know, if these were your kids, you’d be hard pressed to find better words.)

My friends - Fran, Elizabeth, Shannon, Dawn, Vidya. Without you to keep me straight, I’d be bouncing off the walls. Thank you for loving me even when I couldn’t love myself.

(Maybe that was cheesy too, but hey, it’s my blog.)

Thank you Mother, for giving me a life of warmth and happiness, for giving me all the things I’ve asked for. Thank you for forcing me to grow, and for all of the little obstacles that you’ve given to me so that I might be a better person.

And thank you, for reading, and for getting it. I love you.

Brightest blessings

- Sabre

PS: And thank you to the warmongers for bringing David home. You have no idea how much this means to me.