Another day in Project Hell. Whee. Missing include files, messed up css files, templates reverted to old versions. This on top of background drama from several different sources, that pesky health issue thing, and my own personal brand of uber high maintenance neediness.

And my solution to all of it?

Stare at my monitor in a state of complete shock and disbelief. And then put my head down and just cry like a bitch for awhile.

It’s official, I’ve completely lost all semblance of control and sanity.

Me: You know, I really like (name withheld), he’s always so nice.

Officemate 1: Oh, you mean the guy who has a crush on you?

Me: He does not!

Officemate 1: Who else sends emails at work that say “I really like talking to you?”

Officemate 2: Oh, he’s crushing.

Me: *indignant* He was just saying I was nice.

Officemate 1: He likes you.

Officemate 2: He does.

Me: What do you guys know?

Officemates in unison: We’re guys! We know.

Me: *walking out the door* Whatever!

Officemate 2: Bowchicabowwow!

Yep, this is how I spend my days!

I am having a hell of a time getting into the spirit of the season this year. Cricket is heading to Florida to join her brother and dad, leaving me alone for the holidays for the first time in twenty years. Other than possibly going to the movies with Cathy on Christmas afternoon, I have zip planned. Oh, wait, I think I’m rearranging furniture Christmas eve. Can you taste the excitement?

Even though she is going to be gone, Cricket insisted we put up the tree. Bah. The usual Putting Up of the Tree Festivities include cookies, cocoa, eggnog, music, and lots of giggling. There is also the annual Untangling of the Lights, which is a ritual that generally involves a lot of profanity and swearing that they’ll get put away correctly this year.

This year, not so much. I made Cricket some cocoa, skipped out on the cookies, and refused to put lights around the windows. My various St. Nicks were not unpacked, the angels are still in their boxes, and she had to beg me to put stockings out. Again, bah. And it was with this grumpy countenance that I arrived at work today.

I had planned on staying quite grumpy, thank you very much.

Alas, my plans were thwarted.

One of my officemates brought in his traditional cuppycakes! Joy!

In the kitchen is a grand selection of cookies, candy, and popcorn. Caramel popcorn for breakfast! Bliss!

Okay, so maybe I have a little bit of holiday spirit. But only until the food runs out.

Would someone be so kind as to get one of those to my office? Today, maybe?

I’ve been craving bacon for days now (not a -single- quip from the peanut gallery about law enforcement, not -one-) and have put in a request for a bacon vending machine at work. I figure they’ll just laugh at me again, like they did the last three times I asked.

If this trend continues, I’m going to have to break down and actually cook it my damn self. Which, if you know me, know is not one of my favorite things to do. It’s just so messy!

*dramatic sigh*

Whatever is a girl to do?

If the elevator still reeks after your hippy ass has gotten off on your floor, maybe that’s a sign that you should be a little less liberal in your application of your morning patchouli oil.

If the elevator still reeks 15 minutes later, definitely lay off.

Good god, must you bathe in it?

Thanks for the migraine, asshole!

It’s Thursday, and in case you forgot, Thursday is Good Humor day at the office. In less than an hour, the Good Humor man will be parked outside of my building delivering his frozen bits of goodness to all who stand in line.

One comment about that statement from you pervs and I commence with the bitchslapping.

*ahem*

Anyway, yours truly is currently chained to her desk as we are having issues with our authentication gateway. The server is hung (yeah, that’s what happens when you use IIS people, it HANGS) and we are unable to reboot until all of our call center reps are OFF THE DAMN SYSTEM.

*sigh*

Which means, until I get the call that I can switch back to gateway authentication instead of local authentication (which runs on FreeBSD and is, oh, you know, RUNNING) I’m stuck here.

Meantime, new subscribers will be unable to create personalized accounts, and old subscribers cannot make any changes to their existing accounts. All of that is done via the aforementioned gateway.

Want to change your information and get personalized stock advice? GET ME MY ICE CREAM BITCHEZ! No ice cream, no personalized authentication.

Seems fair to me.

We all scream for ice cream!

It’s been a food disaster for me this last week, but today there is light at the end of the tunnel. My company has reinstated Good Humor Thursday for the summer.

I’m getting ice cream! I’m getting ice cream!

Yay!

I’m currently trying to make a bagel magically manifest on my desk.

So far, no luck.

As many times as I’ve been accused of being an evil witch, one would think that I’d be able to put the skills to work for me. But noooooo, no bagel for moi.

Bah!

A friend of mine just suggested decaf… I told her that she had a filthy mouth and needed to wash it out with soap.

For you addicts, here’s a few signs you’ve been drinking too much coffee:

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
You sleep with your eyes open
You have to watch videos in fast-forward
You lick your coffee pot clean
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
You can jump-start your car without cables
Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”
You don’t sweat, you percolate
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you
Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house
You’re so wired you pick up FM radio
Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans”
Instant coffee takes too long
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

We had a Cinco de Mayo celebration at work today - complete with a Mariachi band currently roaming the hallways. No, I’m so totally not making that up. It’s cracking me up, hard to work with it, but it’s fun.

Lunch was from Baja Fresh. Yours truly made herself not one, but two fajitas. Plus two chicken taquitos. Plus chips and guacamole. Damn them for not providing margaritas too! Where’s my tequila bitchez?!

Now if you don’t mind, I need to unbutton my pants and burp. I’m stuffed! Maybe a little afternoon siesta.